I’ll Put My Cookies Where Your Mouth Is…

February 16, 2010 at 11:17 am (Food Makes Us All Happy, Heed the Call, Really? You're going with that?, signs of the apocalypse, There Will Be Cookies)
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So, we’ve have seen the ‘Impeach Obama’ bumper stickers. Every time I see one, I am seized with the urge to tuck a mini-Constitution under the windshield. People understand that this is not England, right? Impeachment does not equal Vote of No Confidence. You can’t just demand the removal of an elected executive (or justice) because they offend thine eye.

Yet we see this over and over and over again. And for some, a bumper sticker just isn’t a large enough stage for the ignorance behind the sentiment.

Because I Said So!!!

You can read here about this expensive display of stupidity here, but I will break it on down for you.  This billboard is currently up along highway 41 in Oshkosh, WI and is under contract to stay up for 6 months at a cost of $1,000.00 per month. The sign was paid for by an unnamed company represented by one Tom Wroblewski. Mr. Wroblewski, when asked about the sign, informed talkingpointed that Washington politics are bad for small businesses (and let me point out that my very small business is doing just fine, thank you very much and STFU because you don’t talk for me). Which is nonresponsive enough, but isn’t the best part.

Wroblewski went on to say – here it comes – that despite the clear and unambiguous directive to IMPEACH OBAMA, he’s not suggesting Obama committed an impeachable offense.

Which leads me to throw down this tasty gauntlet.  If anyone can tell me, (1) with specificity and explicit references to the Constitution and (2) impeachment law and (3) based on ACTUAL REALLY REAL FACTS, exactly *why* Obama should be impeached, I will send you a batch of homemade cookies. You may choose the type – and yes, I will even put green jellybeans and judgment in them if you so elect.

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Oatmeal Cookies Are Little Plops of Love

January 15, 2010 at 1:08 am (Food, Food Makes Us All Happy, food pROn, SFL exclusive recipe!)
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Thought I would end the day with a foodie post. Here is my *exclusive* recipe for chocolate chip oatmeal cookies:

Love Plops

SFL SUPREME OATMEAL COOKIES

  • 1 cup softened unsalted butter
  • 1/4 cup granulated sugar – baker’s grind*
  • 1 and 1/2 cup light brown sugar
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
  • 1 tablespoon Nutella spread
  • 1 and 1/2 cups sifted all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 and 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
  • 1/2 teaspoon fresh grated orange rind
  • 3 cups of Quaker “Quick” (one-minute) oats
  • 1/3 cup raisins
  • 1/3 cup golden raisins
  • 1/3 cup craisins (dried cranberries)
  • 1/2 cup chopped pecans
  • 3/4 cup chopped walnuts
  • 6 ounces bittersweet chocolate chips.

This recipe take about 15 minutes to make, plus an additional 30 to 70 minutes to bake depending upon how many cookies you put in the oven at a time.  Preheat the oven to 350º.  Beat the butter until light and fluffy.  Add the brown sugar, then the white sugar and beat until the mixture is light and creamy.  Stir in vanilla.  Stir in Nutella and beat until mixture is smooth and fully combined.  Add the eggs one at a time and beat for one minute.  In a separate bowl, combine flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and orange rind, then stir in oats.  Add all of dry mixture to sugar mixture and stir until just combined.  Add the dried fruit, nuts, and chocolate and stir until combined.  Form the dough into 1 inch balls and place on baking sheet.  Use Silpats for best results.  Bake at 350º for ten minutes.  Let the cookies cool completely on a baking rack.

*If you cannot find baker’s sugar, simply process regular granulated sugar in a food processor until it feels like soft sand when you rub it.

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You Know What I Like?

January 13, 2010 at 6:46 pm (Food Makes Us All Happy, food pROn, pie heaven)
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Pie. Sweet, sweet pie. Here are some SFL pie pics to brighten your day. First, Ginger Pear Pie:

Ginger Pear Pie

Next, traditional Thanksgiving pies that my Nannie taught me how to make. I also credit her with teaching me how to properly roll pastry. The important part is that you take the scraps, wrap them around a paperclip on a string tied to a stick, and then fish for minnows.

Butterscotch and Chocolate Pies

Here is the Mommy Apple Walnut Pie and the baby pie (which I think really had bananas and Nutella in it):

Mother and Child

And here, truly the sexiest pie of all, the lemon meringue pie (which reminds – I need to do a post on meringue!):

Lemon Meringue Pie

What? Need a little more?

Yummmmmm.....

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Money Talks, Corporate Welfare Walks

January 12, 2010 at 12:43 pm (Adventures in Capitalism, Food Makes Us All Happy, Heed the Call, Politics)
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Check out this fabulous wake-up post from Swashzone.

401K? I put all MY money in flour and sugar.

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….And It Is Sufganiyot With The WIN!!!

December 6, 2009 at 9:09 pm (Food Makes Us All Happy, food pROn, This Week's 'Demand-A-Dish')
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YAY!!! I get to make something that is filled with awesomeness AND fried! Check it out:

SUFGANIYOT

In general news, my Clan did the decorating and tree thing today, and I had BOTH prosecco AND the nog, so I am quite tipsy. Hope you all had a GREAT weekend!!! ‘Til next time, gaze upon this deliciousness:

Spritz!

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Palate Cleanser

December 2, 2009 at 9:13 pm (Food Makes Us All Happy, food pROn, palate cleanser)
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Behold! The healing power of meat:

Mmmmmmmmeat!

Or, for the non-carnivorous, some sweet potato gnocchi:

Sweet Potato Gnocchi

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Stand For More Ridiculous Histrionics From the Dominant Culture

December 2, 2009 at 2:28 pm (cultural oddities, Food Makes Us All Happy, food pROn, Hello Crazy!, I Judge You When Your Work Sucks, Life Down South..., signs of the apocalypse, Sounds like racism/bigotry/sexism/homophobia to me..., What is WRONG with people?!?)
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Oh boy. Here we go again. The War On the Imaginary War On Christmas has escalated the interweb hand-wringing. Check out standforchristmas.com, a site that has been brought to you by the outstanding folks at Focus on the Family. As the site informs:

Millions upon millions in our nation deeply value the great truths of Christmas and the holiday’s inspiring place in American life and culture. We hope you will take a moment to “Stand for Christmas” by sharing feedback about your Christmas shopping experiences.

We’re asking YOU to decide which retailers are “Christmas-friendly.” They want your patronage and your gift-shopping dollars, but do they openly recognize Christmas?

Participants are asked to indicate whether a particular retailer is “Christmas-Friendly,” “Christmas-negligent,” or “Christmas-offensive.”  Readers should know that “Christmas-friendly” does not mean merely that a store does business with one who celebrates Christmas; nor does “Christmas-offensive” mean that a store has taken an action that is hostile toward one who celebrates Christmas.

No no no! For example, check out the following review of Banana Republic:

Comment Date: Nov 28 2009 10:13 AM

Rating: Christmas-Offensive

Comment: I clicked on their ad and used their search function. Typing in “Christmas gifts” I got “Holiday gifts.” Narrowing my search, I typed in “Christmas” and got “0 results for this search.” They will get the same number of purchases from me.

If one does not use the word “Christmas,” then one is offensive.  Likewise, simply acknowledging another religion’s holiday is offensive to those who observe Christmas. Most people have probably heard about the shitstorm over Best Buy. You can see the full story, as well as the HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE AND ANTI-CHRISTIAN ad here.

Wanna know what the bigots at Stand for Christmas think? Oh you know you do!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 6:27 AM

Rating: Christmas-Offensive

Comment: We purchased $2000.00 of computer equipment in June & were planning to purchase a Net book & wii system for Christmas. However, I found the Thanksgiving ad celebrating the Muslim holiday offensive. I am disappointed in Best Buy and intend to make my CHRISTMAS purchases & all other puchases in the future elsewhere. I only wish I had known in June-I would have spent that money elsewhere also. I think Best Buy should reconsider their policy!!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 9:58 AM

Rating: Christmas-Offensive

Comment: Who on earth do these people have in their marketing department? The number one rule of marketing is to promote your items to people who will buy them. I understand that Eid al-Adha was the day after Thanksgiving, but I don’t buy presents for that holiday any more than I would for Thanksgiving. Like the majority of Americans, I buy *Christmas* presents in honor of the gift God gave to us in the form of Jesus Christ. However, I will NOT be buying them from Best Buy this year. I will Christmas shop ONLY at stores that promote Christmas!!!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 7:33 AM

Rating: Christmas-Offensive

Comment: Christmas Negligent AND Offensive, Best Buy. Shame on you. I have purchased much from you each CHRISTMAS Season,but not this year!This is too much for us to grasp–WHY do you feel it important to give good wishes to the Muslim community, and at the same time offend so many Christians and Americans. Maybe you need to reconsider having your business in America. May God help you reconsider your stance.

And just in case this isn’t sufficient righteous indignation, please check the full-strength unfiltered crazy here and here.

So, apparently, in order to be considered “Christmas-friendly,” a retailer must overtly and explicitly recognize Christmas in advertising, personnel interaction, and store decorations and said recognition better be happening by Thanksgiving. In addition, a retailer CANNOT recognize any other religious holidays and must understand that the only event of any importance occurring after Thanksgiving is Christmas.  Furthermore, if a retailer fails to acknowledge Christmas as separate from and superior to all other religious events, then that retailer is patently offensive to christianity.

Good grief, people. What the fuck more do you want? Oh yeah – total control, I forgot. Can’t you just settle for being the dominant culture and leave the rest of us in peace? Oops – forgot that “peace” is offensive, too.

One of My Reasons for the Season

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Conservative Gift Basket Ideas

November 29, 2009 at 3:29 pm (Book Rants, Booze is Good, cultural oddities, Food Makes Us All Happy, I Judge You When Your Work Sucks, signs of the apocalypse, Snarkiness)
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Need to give a gift to a dear conservative friend/relative/newspaper delivery kid, but have NO idea what they are into? Never fear – SFL has got you covered. I suggest you go with the “gift basket” approach – because who DOESN’T love opening up one gift, only to find that it is actually many gifts. Well, maybe this guy. But most people – yes, even conservative – are delighted to receive a vessel full of gifts that have been thoughtfully hand-picked to thrill, amuse, and inebriate the recipient.

First, you will need something to delight the eye. In light of the holiday season, I suggest something red:

Note I said something “red,” not something “read.” I know that this is made even more confusing by the fact that, technically speaking, this is a “book.” (note the review by the very excellent J.C. Patriot). But from what I read, it would appear that this isn’t so much a book, as it is an idea of what a book should be as dreamed up by people who generally do not like books, facts, logic, editing, or character development. Much like Ms. Palin isn’t so much a leader as she is an idea of what a leader should be as dreamed up by people who generally do not like books, facts, logic, editing, or character development.

Okay, good.

So now that we have dazzled the eye, how ’bout a little something for the brain?

At last! Something for those who miss the good ol’ days of Bush I and Nixon AND appreciate the good ol’ challenge of a puzzle, unlike some nasty liberals who have to make fun of everything. This challenging mind-game is based on a lovingly-rendered painting of our treasured Republican presidents in the style of that calendar guy and the guy who totally captured the good ol’days that we never actually experienced and now never will thanks to socialism.

Now we need a little treat. How about something that reminds us of the reason for the season?

Yeah – I know. These are totally awesome. But unfortunately, they are not yet available for commercial purchase. I suppose you could go with the OFFICIAL Jesus cookie, but I think it would be nicer and more thoughtful if you rolled up your sleeves and made your own cookies.*

And, of course, no holiday gift basket is complete without booze:

just awesome.

And last, something to make them laugh.

Might I suggest that you avoid the audio version, as I understand that just the sound of Gore’s voice is enough to fill people with rage and crazy.

*NOTE:  While most of the gift ideas in this blog are sprinkled with snark, the cookie suggestion is straightforward. Baking, in any literal form, rules, and there is nothing nicer than taking the time to actually MAKE something for someone else.  Also, I must point out that I really really like that cookie cutter set.

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Green Jellybeans: God’s Jealousy Or Just Bad Baking?

November 29, 2009 at 3:14 pm (cultural oddities, Food, Food Makes Us All Happy, I Judge You When Your Work Sucks)
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Ummm…so I was rambling about the webs looking for gift ideas, when I stumbled upon the “official” Jesus Cookie. According to the website, this is a “…family owned business, dedicated to furthering the kingdom of Jesus Christ.”  Check out the site’s testimonial:

One day, my children and I had taken some freshly baked Jesus cookies to a bank.  People were coming from all corners of the bank to see what the delicious smell was.  We shared the cookies and a particular bank employee, dressed in a suit and well over 6 feet tall stood enjoying his cookie.  My younger son looked up at the man and said, “Oh, you just ate a green jellybean, green represents God’s jealousy because He wants us to have no other gods before Him”.  The man looked at the cookie and smiled at my son and thought for a moment and then walked away.  We never know how such a seemingly small act could potentially be life changing for someone we may meet only once.

Call me a food snob, but jelly beans in cookies is TOTALLY disgusting. Couldn’t they have used a pistachio or even a raisin to represent God’s jealousy? Why a jellybean?

So, in the interests of integrity in baking, I have decided to make some OFFICIAL secular humanist cookies. The chocolate chips represents our compassion for others because chocolate is nice and so is compassion.

Yay! Cookies!

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Palate Cleanser

November 23, 2009 at 4:19 pm (Food Makes Us All Happy, palate cleanser)

I know we don’t always agree. Let’s quit talking about politics for a while and just enjoy each other’s company. Maybe over some cookies and milk…

 

cookies are good

 

 

 

What? You’ve had a rough day, too? Milk isn’t going to cut it? Then let’s share a refreshing adult beverage and talk about puppies and kittens and whatnot.

 

 

Cheers!

Virtually, of course. I still have work to do.

xoxox – SFL

 

 

 

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