Harold Hill, Esq.

Any drone that has ever toiled away in insurance defense or appellate work is only too familiar with the following scenario:

Partner hands you an utter shit salad of a case:  Claimant successfully sues/sued for injuries for which your client is clearly and unequivocally liable and has absolutely no serious defense in fact or in law. Partner now tells you to draft responsive pleadings/responsive appellate briefs – a task that is fraught with peril, given that if one sticks to the actual facts of the case and applies the actual law, your response is likely to incur the wrath of the judge and result in sanctions.

I was in this position approximately eleventy billion times over the course of my mini-career as an associate. After a while, you actually learn how to analyze a set of facts and law to find the tiniest snag so that you can pick it open and blow it up, conflate it into something favorable to you, and then use semantics, tone, and rhetoric to guide your reader/listener to a conclusion that you are unquestionably correct, even though the law, facts, reality, and common sense would dictate otherwise.

I actually developed some serious skills in crafting viable arguments in the face of such factual/legal paucity. And yes, I actually won a few times. More than a few. I can’t tell you how proud I was to be the Queen of Pulling It Out Of My Ass.

So believe me when I say, I know the difference between an argument grounded in reality and an argument grounded in ‘holy shit I can’t be wrong because I told the client I could win this and now I’m totally fucked and this whole argument is bullshit and I should just admit I was wrong but there is no way in hell I am going to do that so I suppose I will just bellow even louder in the hopes that people think that I *must* be right because if I weren’t I would have shut up long long ago.’

This, readers, would be the latter:

Sarah Palin: Extreme Enviros: Drill, Baby, Drill in ANWR – Now Do You Get It?

Sarah Palin’s Notes  Yesterday at 3:17pm

This is a message to extreme “environmentalists” who hypocritically protest domestic energy production offshore and onshore. There is nothing “clean and green” about your efforts. Look, here’s the deal: when you lock up our land, you outsource jobs and opportunity away from America and into foreign countries that are making us beholden to them. Some of these countries don’t like America. Some of these countries don’t care for planet earth like we do – as evidenced by our stricter environmental standards.

With your nonsensical efforts to lock up safer drilling areas, all you’re doing is outsourcing energy development, which makes us more controlled by foreign countries, less safe, and less prosperous on a dirtier planet. Your hypocrisy is showing. You’re not preventing environmental hazards; you’re outsourcing them and making drilling more dangerous.

Extreme deep water drilling is not the preferred choice to meet our country’s energy needs, but your protests and lawsuits and lies about onshore and shallow water drilling have locked up safer areas. It’s catching up with you. The tragic, unprecedented deep water Gulf oil spill proves it.

We need permission to drill in safer areas, including the uninhabited arctic land of ANWR. It takes just a tiny footprint – equivalent to the size of LA’s airport – to tap America’s rich and plentiful oil and gas up north. ANWR’s drilling footprint is like a postage stamp on a football field.

But it’s not just ANWR; it’s our Petroleum Reserve, too. As Governor Sean Parnell noted today in the Wall Street Journal:

“Federal agencies are also now blocking oil development in the National Petroleum Reserve—Alaska.

Although familiar with ANWR, most Americans are less likely to know about NPR-A and how vital it is to our energy security. Given recent developments, it’s time to elevate the position this area holds in our national discourse.

NPR-A, a 23 million acre stretch of Alaska’s North Slope, was set aside by President Warren Harding in 1923 for the specific purpose of supplying our country and military with oil and gas. Since 1976 it has been administered by the Department of the Interior, and since 1980 it has been theoretically open for development. The most recent estimates indicate that it holds 12 billion barrels of oil and 73 trillion cubic feet of natural gas.

In addition to containing enormous hydrocarbons, NPR-A is very close to the Trans-Alaska Pipeline, which means that there would be relatively little additional infrastructure needed to bring this new oil to our domestic market.

But even here, progress has been stalled.”

Radical environmentalists: you are damaging the planet with your efforts to lock up safer drilling areas. There’s nothing clean and green about your misguided, nonsensical radicalism, and Americans are on to you as we question your true motives.

– Sarah Palin

Ahhh, clever work, Ms. Palin (or should I say, Nameless Peon Whose Thankless Job It Is To Manage Sarah Palin’s Facebook Page). I see you have chosen my favorite weapon – the ‘I Know You Are But What Am I?’ nunchucks.  “Extreme enviros” are actually out to destroy the environment – such delicious irony! Oooo – and the exquisite (if ubiquitous) knife in the gut accusation of being unAmerican.  “Using semantics, tone, and rhetoric to guide your reader,” indeed.

So, well played Nameless Peon Whose Thankless Job It Is To Manage Sarah Palin’s Facebook Page. And don’t worry about being out of work when Ms. Palin’s crazypants float off into the rainbow sherbet sunset of lost dreams – you have a bright future ahead of you in appellate insurance defense.

Not Helping...

If/Then FAIL

I am guessing that Amazon didn’t score very high on the SATs, based on the following email it sent me early this morning:

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

As someone who has purchased or rated Lego Rock Band, you might like to know that The Bachelor: The Videogame will be released on June 8, 2010.  You can pre-order yours by following the link below.

The Bachelor: The Videogame The Bachelor Videogame
Warner Bros

Price: $29.99

Release Date: June 8, 2010

Platform: Nintendo Wii

Product Description
The quest for love doesn’t have to end after the show’s final rose. Now, you can experience the excitement of the TV show in your very own adventure and compete for the affections of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette! It’s up to you to make an impression that will leave your suitor with only one option…to offer you the final rose!

“As you have purchased Lego Rock Band, logic clearly dictates that you or perhaps the 10 year old boy for whom you bought Lego Rock Band must also be foaming at the mouth to play a video game based on a reality show where a bunch of crazy drunk whores fight over a giant douchenozzle…”

“… I Ain’t Holding Back Anymore!!”

Okay, so whenever we discuss examples of racism, bigotry, whathaveyou in the TEA movement, we are invariably told (a) that liberals/the MSM are making it up, (b) that these are just a few “bad apples” who don’t really represent what real TEAfolk stand for, (c) that liberals/the MSM are making much ado about nothing, and/or (d) that liberals/the MSM are the REAL racists/bigots/whathaveyou.

My point, as I have raised again and again, is how the non racists/bigots in the TEA movement can justify standing with such people?

Well, here is a bigger question:  How can ANYONE in the TEA movement condone acts of violence? As reported at length in the Charlottesville Daily Progress here, Federal and local authorities are investigating a severed gas line at the home of U.S. Rep. Tom Perriello’s brother, discovered the day after Tea Party activists posted the address online so opponents could “drop by” and “express their thanks” for Perriello’s vote in favor of health care reform. From the Daily Progress:

Two members of the conservative Tea Party groups in Danville and Lynchburg posted the home’s address online Monday, mistakenly believing it belonged to the congressman. The home actually belongs to Bo Perriello, the congressman’s older brother.

The local FBI field office and the Albemarle County fire marshal are investigating the incident. Police have stepped up patrols in the area as well.

Albemarle County spokeswoman Lee Catlin confirmed that county authorities are investigating an incident at Bo Perriello’s home in cooperation with the FBI, but she said she cannot comment on the specifics because it is an ongoing investigation.

“The Fire Marshal’s Office is conducting the investigation in cooperation with the FBI,” Catlin said. “While officials are not willing to characterize the exact nature of the incident because of the ongoing investigation, it did not involve an immediate threat to occupants of the residence. Officials are taking the incident very seriously and conducting a vigorous investigation. Additional details will be released as the investigation continues.”

M.A. Myers, a spokesman with the FBI’s Richmond field office, confirmed that the agency is “aware” of the severing of the gas line at Bo Perriello’s house.

“At this point, all I can really confirm is that we are aware of that situation,” he said.

Danville Tea Party leader Nigel Coleman was one of the two activists who posted Bo Perriello’s address online Monday.

“This is Rep. Thomas Stuart Price Perriello’s home address,” Coleman wrote Monday. “… I ain’t holding back anymore!!”

According to the Danville Register & Bee site, when Coleman learned that the address actually belonged to the congressman’s brother, he responded on a blog: “Do you mean I posted his brother’s address on my Facebook? Oh well, collateral damage.”

Coleman told The Daily Progress today that he is “shocked” and “almost speechless” at the possibility that someone would sever the propane line to Perriello’s brother’s house.

“I obviously condemn these actions,” he said. “I would hope that people aren’t thinking about doing anything crazy. We just wanted people to get close to the congressman and have their voices heard. Violence is not going to answer anything. I’m a little shocked and amazed.”

Coleman added that he is not certain that the incident is related to the posting of the home’s address. “Of course, we don’t know this is a related event,” he said.

Really? Coleman “a little shocked and amazed” that someone took him up on his suggestion? Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Seriously – “Collateral Damage?” What brave new sort of asshole ARE you?

What the hell did you THINK would happen? At BEST, it never crossed your mind that what you were doing was clearly inciting angry and frustrated people to take action, action that very well could injure the people at THE ADDRESS YOU POSTED WITHOUT BOTHERING TO VERIFY WHO LIVED THERE.

At worst, you CLEARLY knew what you were doing, and now want to give us the coy, finger in the mouth “Oopsie! I’m a bad widdle boy!” schtick.

And I suppose now is when a bunch of apologists will flood out, claiming that (a) liberals/the MSM are making this up, (b) that these are just a few “bad apples” who don’t really represent what real TEAfolk stand for, (c) that liberals/the MSM are making much ado about nothing, and/or (d) that liberals/the MSM are the REAL terrorists.

…I’m waiting…

h/t to Mark Potok at the SPLC Blog (which will, I am sure, render MY whole post invalid to those who think that the SPLC is some sort of radical fringe group).

"Sorry I Cut Your Gas Line - I Thought You Were Someone Else" Scones

1 2 3 4 – Wait, What Exactly ARE You Fighting For?

I have posted several times about the fracturing of the Teabaggers disgruntled Libertarians self-proclaimed patriots angry mob Glenn Beck followers Crazy Palin Supporters Oath Keepers John Birch Society New Minutemen Ayn Rand Wankers TEA movement thing, as well as what I perceive to be the inherent problems of the “movement,” ranging from miseducation to willful hypocrisy to bigotry. One element, however, that I have not addressed very much is the apocalyptic hysteria.

Well friends, that time has come.

Yesterday’s New York Times contained a very interesting article on the TEAbaggery. And yes, after much internal debate, I have decided to refer collectively to the whole lot (lot = [Teabaggers disgruntled Libertarians self-proclaimed patriots angry mob Glenn Beck followers Crazy Palin Supporters Oath Keepers John Birch Society New Minutemen Ayn Rand Wankers TEA movement thing]) as TEAbaggery. They picked the name (no really Mom, they did) and I like it so there you go. Nomenclature aside, I have culled some of the more alarmist/jaw-dropping quotes from the article for us to discuss.

Who joins the TEAbaggery? Primarily people who are fed up and/or afraid and either don’t know or are unable to articulate why.  Also, a lack of prior education on government/politics/civics is good, as is a poor voting record.  Then the angry and fed up, either by divine luck or shrewd marketing, stumble upon the likes of Ron Paul and Glenn Beck. At this point, the proto-baggers receive an “Education” about what the Constitution *really* means and how those vague and ill-defined feelings of being shafted are *really* the pure spark of Constitutional Love.

The[ local TEAgroups] are frequently led by political neophytes who prize independence and tell strikingly similar stories of having been awakened by the recession. Their families upended by lost jobs, foreclosed homes and depleted retirement funds, they said they wanted to know why it happened and whom to blame.

That is often the point when Tea Party supporters say they began listening to Glenn Beck. With his guidance, they explored the Federalist Papers, exposés on the Federal Reserve, the work of Ayn Rand and George Orwell. Some went to constitutional seminars. Online, they discovered radical critiques of Washington on Web sites like ResistNet.com (“Home of the Patriotic Resistance”) and Infowars.com (“Because there is a war on for your mind.”).

Many describe emerging from their research as if reborn to a new reality. Some have gone so far as to stock up on ammunition, gold and survival food in anticipation of the worst. For others, though, transformation seems to amount to trying on a new ideological outfit — embracing the rhetoric and buying the books.

And this:

Most of the people [at a TEA gathering in WA state] had paid only passing attention to national politics in years past. “I voted twice and I failed political science twice,” said Darin Stevens, leader of the Spokane 9/12 Project.

Until the recession, Mr. Stevens, 33, had poured his energies into his family and his business installing wireless networks. He had to lay off employees, and he struggled to pay credit cards, a home equity loan, even his taxes. “It hits you physically when you start getting the calls,” he said.

He discovered Glenn Beck, and began to think of Washington as a conspiracy to fleece the little guy. “I had no clue that my country was being taken from me,” Mr. Stevens explained. He could not understand why his progressive friends did not see what he saw.

But what *exactly* do they think is so wrong?  Well, depends on who is talking, apparently. And a lot of the “fear” seems to be grounded in fantasy and fearmongering.

At a recent meeting of the Sandpoint Tea Party, Mrs. Stout presided with brisk efficiency until a member interrupted with urgent news. Because of the stimulus bill, he insisted, private medical records were being shipped to federal bureaucrats. A woman said her doctor had told her the same thing. There were gasps of rage. Everyone already viewed health reform as a ruse to control their medical choices and drive them into the grip of insurance conglomerates. Debate erupted. Could state medical authorities intervene? Should they call Congress?

WorldNetDaily.com trumpets “exclusives” reporting that the Army is seeking “Internment/Resettlement” specialists. On ResistNet.com, bloggers warn that Mr. Obama is trying to convert Interpol, the international police organization, into his personal police force. They call on “fellow Patriots” to “grab their guns.”

People are more willing, he said, to imagine a government that would lock up political opponents, or ration health care with “death panels,” or fake global warming. And if global warming is a fraud, is it so crazy to wonder about a president’s birth certificate?

“People just do not trust any of this,” Mr. [Richard] Mack said. “It’s not just the fringe people anymore. These are just ordinary people — teachers, bankers, housewives.”

Well, what are they going to do about it? I don’t know that THEY really know.

Tea Party leaders say they know their complaints about shredded constitutional principles and excessive spending ring hollow to some, given their relative passivity through the Bush years. In some ways, though, their main answer — strict adherence to the Constitution — would comfort every card-carrying A.C.L.U. member.

But their vision of the federal government is frequently at odds with the one that both parties have constructed. Tea Party gatherings are full of people who say they would do away with the Federal Reserve, the federal income tax and countless agencies, not to mention bailouts and stimulus packages. Nor is it unusual to hear calls to eliminate Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. A remarkable number say this despite having recently lost jobs or health coverage. Some of the prescriptions they are debating — secession, tax boycotts, states “nullifying” federal laws, forming citizen militias — are outside the mainstream, too.

But it sure seems that the end goal is going to require a LOT of ammo.  Many people appear to be fear/hoping for an armed “rebellion” – a desire that is both created and fed in an extremely irresponsible manner by people who should know better.

Mr. Beck frequently echoes Patriot rhetoric, discussing the possible arrival of a “New World Order” and arguing that Mr. Obama is using a strategy of manufactured crisis to destroy the economy and pave the way for dictatorship.

Politicians courting the Tea Party movement are also alluding to Patriot dogma. At a Tea Party protest in Las Vegas, Joe Heck, a Republican running for Congress, blamed both the Democratic and Republican Parties for moving the country toward “socialistic tyranny.” In Texas, Gov. Rick Perry, a Republican seeking re-election, threw his support behind the state sovereignty movement. And in Indiana, Richard Behney, a Republican Senate candidate, told Tea Party supporters what he would do if the 2010 elections did not produce results to his liking: “I’m cleaning my guns and getting ready for the big show. And I’m serious about that, and I bet you are, too.”

When Friends for Liberty held its first public event, Mrs. Stout listened as Richard Mack, a former Arizona sheriff, brought 1,400 people to their feet with a speech about confronting a despotic federal government. Mrs. Stout said she felt as if she had been handed a road map to rebellion.

And when you have highly visible media darlings (Beck) or elected officials with the non-stop ranting.  IF YOU LISTEN TO ME AND REPEAT WHAT I SAY PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU ARE SMART AND PATRIOTIC AND COOL! RED DAWN IS COMING! SOCIALISM IS GOING TO GAY MARRY YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS! GET READY TO SHOOT YOUR GUN BECAUSE THAT IS A SUPER COOL WAY TO BEHAVE AND TOTALLY JUSTIFIED BY THE CONSTITUTION AND WARRANTED BY THE FACTS! So is it really any surprise when people actually *believe* that Red Dawn is coming and they need to stockpile the weapons and canned goods? Or worse still, they believe based on what they have been told by these “authority” figures that it is perfectly acceptable to threaten violence against elected officials?

One local group represented at Liberty Lake was Arm in Arm, which aims to organize neighborhoods for possible civil strife by stockpiling food and survival gear, and forming armed neighborhood groups.

Also represented was Oath Keepers, whose members call themselves “guardians of the Republic.” Oath Keepers recruits military and law enforcement officials who are asked to disobey orders the group deems unconstitutional. These include orders to conduct warrantless searches, arrest Americans as unlawful enemy combatants or force civilians into “any form of detention camps.”

Gazing out at his overwhelmingly white audience, Mr. Mack felt the need to say, “This meeting is not racist.” Nor, he said, was it a call to insurrection. What is needed, he said, is “a whole army of sheriffs” marching on Washington to deliver an unambiguous warning: “Any violation of the Constitution we will consider a criminal offense.”

The crowd roared.

Not long ago, Mrs. Stout sent an e-mail message to her members under the subject line: “Revolution.” It linked to an article by Greg Evensen, a leader in the militia movement, titled “The Anatomy of an American Revolution,” that listed “grievances” he said “would justify a declaration of war against any criminal enterprise including that which is killing our nation from Washington, D.C.”

Mrs. Stout said she has begun to contemplate the possibility of “another civil war.” It is her deepest fear, she said. Yet she believes the stakes are that high. Basic freedoms are threatened, she said. Economic collapse, food shortages and civil unrest all seem imminent.

“I don’t see us being the ones to start it, but I would give up my life for my country,” Mrs. Stout said. She paused, considering her next words. “Peaceful means,” she continued, “are the best way of going about it. But sometimes you are not given a choice.”

Now, I will admit that I am not above mocking individual TEAbaggers, whether it be for their signage or their bigotry or whatever, but I have said all along that they are inexcusably being led to this insanity. My biggest problems with these shenanigoats are the irresponsible greedy fuckos who fan this crazy for their own commercial gain.

And don’t think for a second that what they are doing isn’t serious and seriously scary. In case you are not convinced, let me end with this quote:

As the [TEA] meeting ended, Carolyn L. Whaley, 76, held up her copy of the Constitution. She carries it everywhere, she explained, and she was prepared to lay down her life to protect it from the likes of Mr. Obama.  “I would not hesitate,” she said, perfectly calm.

You Misspelled "Glenn Beck"

More Utterly Non-Shocking Conservative Wankery

So, an article in today’s Washington Times highlights the utter douchebaggery going on in Congress.  Shortly put,

More than a dozen Republican lawmakers, while denouncing the stimulus to the media and their constituents, privately sent letters to just one of the federal government’s many agencies seeking stimulus money for home-state pork projects.

Now, bear in mind that these are but a few letters sent to just one fed agency (USDA) and discovered via FOIA.  I can only  imagine how many other such letters were sent to DOE, DOT, DHS…

I know I am probably not the only one to be utterly unsurprised by this hypocritical bullshit. Not even to hear dear Lameass Alexander is amongst this esteemed group.  Certainly not shocked to see good ol’ Joe “YOU LIE!” Wilson is on the list. These are, after all, politicians.  If they were cheesy glittering vampires, then money is their pasty-faced virgin.

I was somewhat surprised, however, to read that these secret money grabs were totally in line with a virulent anti-stimulus stance.  And of course we can thank Joe Wilson for clarifying the issue for us:

“Congressman Wilson’s position on the stimulus bill is consistent,” said spokeswoman Pepper Pennington. She said Mr. Wilson opposed the stimulus as a “misguided spending bill,” but once it passed, he wanted to make sure South Carolina residents “receive their share of the pie.”

So Screamy Joe has just effectively pointed out for us the real-life application of the ‘Can’t Lose’ objection.  What this means is that an attorney can rant and scream and rail against something that is actually factually or procedurally or legally correct – thus the client thinks that he/she is REALLY getting their money’s worth, what with all the ranting/screaming/railing, despite the fact that the ranting attorney (and judge and bailiff and clerks and indeed all attorneys in the court) knows full fucking well that:
  1. there is only ONE possible outcome,
  2. nothing you do will change (1),
  3. but because your enemy supports (1), you must oppose it,
  4. which also means you have to convince your constituency (or client) that (1) is EVIL and you are GOOD for opposing (1), when in reality
  5. your constituents (clients) will actually benefit from (1), and
  6. they will receive these benefits no matter how big of jackass you are.

Have Your Cake and Action Figure, Too...

Stacked, Packed, and Ready to Attack: PR 7.3

Hello pretty people!!! I need to exorcise the stank of Rush “Tater Tot” Limbaugh from my homepage, so I thought, what BETTER than a flood of PR snark?!? Join me and my dear lovely ladyfriends Big Red and Iris Tramm as we tap a box and hash out WTF happened last week on PR…

Hey females. Sorry it took me so long to get my shit together and convene this confabulousness. Anyhow, how are your nachos? More chili? And what the hell do you think about last week’s PR?

Big Red:  I cannot believe there was any question about who should go home between the four designers declared the worst scores (although I will completely disagree about whether those were, in fact, the worst designs).  I’m am nauseatingly HORRIFIED about who the winner was.  Wtf?  I’ll say it again with emphasis:  WTF!?!?!?!  I swear to Dog that I thought the winner was going to be the loser.  I’m completely shocked. That 80s-inspired ridiculous monstrosity of a coat was one of the most unwearable designs I’ve ever seen.  Street-chic circa 1990, MAYBE.

And their “look for less”???  No normal sized woman wants a dress with that much volume below the boobs.  Seriously, both teams that had the “best” designs were what I would have said were either the hideously awful worst or a complete snore.    Last week’s “winner” was about the most unfair, just plain wrong decision I think I’ve seen in the history of PR.

And Ping….Ahhhhh…Ping.  While her design was less awful than her past two designs, I think Ping needed to go because it was very clear she just doesn’t have the technical skills.  How can you come on a design show and not know how to sew?  (I love how Jesse said he was just trying to rein in the crazy).  Jesse didn’t throw her under the bus completely (which he could have) but he did, rightfully so, indicate she doesn’t know what she is doing.  And the model backed him up.  Good.  I don’t know how the judges could have possibly thought there was another option for auf’ing.  (And Emilio comparing Ping and Jesse to Ricky and Lucy is an insult to Ricky and Lucy).

That said, I admired how Seth Aaron (WTF kind of name is Seth Aaron, though) stood behind Anthony and the design; he said, well, it wasn’t my design or vision but I worked hard on it and I stand by it.  I didn’t like their yellow/black dress (mostly because personally I think that color combo is just too reminiscent of a bumble bee), but I didn’t hate it as much as the judges did.   And while I thought their “look for less” outfit was a bit matronly, I didn’t think it looked cheap; it just looked like something an aging dowager would wear to a dinner party.  And I think Anthony could be the new bring-the-crazy ratings draw.

I’m also frequently distracted by how much that Maya looks like Christina Ricci.  Jay, stop showing your waxed chest and stop relying on your immunity when you have a partner whose continued presence very well could depend upon your effort.

And again, the challenges…..Lifetime needs to hire the Bravo creative team.  where is the challenge here?  make a couture dress?  with more money than we’ve ever given contestants?  And then make a look for less?  as a team?  Seriously?  That is the best you can come up with?  I think the three of us could come up with FAR better challenges than this…

Iris Tramm:  I’m officially calling it.  Shark, jumped.  Seriously.  I can’t take anymore of these stupid design “challenges”.  All of them get scare quotes heretoforward unless I see some corn husks incorporated into a dress pronto.  Here’s some money, A LOT of money, go make a garment.  C’mon, STOP!  This isn’t interesting.  This time there wasn’t even a gratuitious mud field, just money and Mood. Remember the last time they made the designers do couture?  They flew them TO FRANCE.  To consult with CATHERINE MALANDRINO.  And then they had a fashion show ON A BOAT ON THE SEINE.  Lifetime needs to call up the Happy Little Elves or the Magical Little Elves or whomever it was that produced the Bravo version, because this is BORING — New York, Orange Kors, and Nina notwithstanding.

Other thoughts:

I LOVE Anthony (“Stop acting up in front of company.”), but he doesn’t have the design chops to be the next Christian Sirano.

Ping deserved the aufing.  Both garments were awful.

The winning design was well made, but WAS SPORTSWEAR, not couture.  Also made me think of Nagaina, the female cobra in Rikki Tikki Tavi.  (I know it’s horrible, colonialist dreck, but I LOVE that cartoon.  Must be the Orson Welles.)

Is there any other way to use the Bluefly.com wall than “thoughtfully”?  Tim needs some new catchphrases.

SFL:  The winning look? I am pretty sure I couldn’t even sell that back in 1993 when I worked at Contempo Casuals. And I sold the HELL out of some white lace bike shorts back in the day. So you KNOW I had some quality ladies (and gentlemen) on my hit customer list. Other than that, maybe it’s the tequila and chili, or the fact that I waited 6 days to write this, but I can’t remember a DAMN thing. Except for Anthony and his never ending Designing Women-esque quips of awesomeness.

I CHALLENGE Lifetime to see if they can make the challenges even less challenging. And less memorable. In fact, I DARE them to try. I know they won’t disappoint us and fail to disappoint. Jerkasses took a hugely popular show with a runs-itself-to-fabulous-perfection premise and  Monsieur Gunn and La Klum – two of the most perfectly perfect people – and somehow managed to fuck it up 12 ways from Sunday until the whole thing just oozes yawn and, I don’t know, what’s the current symbol of corporate mediocrity? Lunchables?

Arggg…

Maybe this will make it better…

Tim Gunn Understands You

Rush Limbaugh has a Teeny Tiny Penis

For reals. EENSY – like one of those wee little baby carrots. Well,  kind of like that, but smaller and flappier.  And covered in Power Rangers stickers.

I jest. What do I know – or care – about the literal and ironic dicklessness one of America’s biggest dicks?

Yes, he is a greasy, bloated assweasel. But his “derisive intellectual weariness” schtick is really just a serious of pathetic bleats for attention, covered in a bunch of smart-sounding quips that he steals from other, far smarter people.  But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the poor guy is pretty much sans dick.

I mean, sure, there is all the drug use.  And all the jabs at women and the craven envy of men with far more power/intellect/happiness than he could even dream of having. So of course when you consider his actions, and his soft, curvy, womanly figure, it’s only natural to assume he has HPS (hidden penis syndrome) and smells like a 2-week-dead rat stuffed full of feta cheese and cabbage.

So cut the poor little not-quite-a-man some slack when he makes dumbass comments about women and/or “feminism.”  He is just a bitter, Jaba-esque sack of witless impotence and mediocrity.

Who, yes, very likely has a sad little tater tot in his pants.

Project Runway: Meh, Feh, and HOLY HELL!

So, like most people who like shiny things, fisticuffs, and the crazy, I am a PR girl. Or was, then wasn’t, and maybe kind of am again. I was, like many, nauseated about the idea of having to watch it on Lifetime, even though technically speaking I have two cats and am therefore completely eligible to watch Lifetime. And last season certainly validated all my fears about the switch. But so far this season shows a bit more promise than the last. Which isn’t to say that it is at ALL near the epic levels of awesomeness that were Seasons 2 and 4, or even the less awesome Season 5.

Here are some insights and rants to the Season 7, brought to you by SFL and my fellow PR ladyfriends, guest SFL commentators Big Red and Iris Tramm.

Welcome ladies. How the hell are you? Can I pour you a HUGE glass of wine? Good – let’s talk about…

How PR has sucked since the move to Lifetime:

Iris Tramm:  Meh.  WTF is with these lame-o challenges?  Run to Central Park and stuff some fabric in your bag and then make a design that reflects your vision as a designer.  Blech.  That’s what the freakin’ finale is for.  The run up is a whole bunch of crazy crap asking them to make outfits out of car parts, foodstuffs, and recycled garbage?  This was one of my biggest beefs with the last season (right after the almost total absence of Kors/Garcia).  Every single challenge was “make a dress out of fabric”….I fear the show has peaked.  Was LA jumping the shark?

Also, and I say this as a totally heteronormative female, but Heidi Klum is the hottest pregnant woman ever.  I don’t know why she’s not making a bijillion dollars from mom-n-baby-related endorsement deals.

This Season’ contestants and challenges:

IT:  So far, I am not impressed. [Episode 2] was another uninspired, post hoc, make-a-garment-out-of-fabric, bullshit design challenge, I do recall that.  WTF was the point of standing in a field of mud if they weren’t going to, you know, have to actually USE farm stuff for their design?  Oh, and here’s some end caps from Mood with buttons, go shopping!  In the mud field!  Whee!  Now let’s all go back to Manhattan and sew!  Why not say, look, here’s a barn and some tack.  Make a party dress!  Oh, and you can only sew with horse hairs you pull yourself from that giant Tennessee Walker Stallion galloping towards us!  Now, THAT would be interesting, yes?

I did give props to the Sconnie girl for being the only one to use an actual farm product (a potato) in her design.  Unfortunately, I don’t think the girl’s gonna go far in this competition.  Her designs are not very sophisticated (a Lanvin lover, I had hopes), and they don’t show enough of her work for me to tell whether it’s well crafted if uninspired.

Big Red:  So I’m cautiously optimistic about this year’s designers.  There is some talent, although I’m not sure on what i base that because I wasn’t overly wowed by any end results, and there is definitely some crazy for entertainment purposes (hello Ping?  hello Anthony?).  Although I also must note that I disagreed with most of what the judges said.  Ping’s [first] outfit…..Seriously?  It just looked like a bunch of fabric wrapped around her model’s body.

But the [second] challenge was again a bit of a snore; if you are going to make contestants whip up an outfit from farm materials, they could have done way better than just use a potato sack.  I’m from farm country and trust me, there are lots of “organic” materials available for construction that would have been much more interesting. I did like the Sconnie girl’s outfit, and the intriguing use of the potato to create a print that disguised the potato sack. And Jesus with the skirt that wasn’t really potato sack but just ribbons covering a potato sack…..so last week I liked Jesus’s brown leather look dress; well, maybe not liked but hated less than everyone else.  It was good enough for me to want to see more from him.  This week…..not so much.  I’m ready for him to go as well.

LISTEN TO THE GUNN OR FEEL MY FURY!

SFL: The challenges are not challenging in the least. Unless one of the contestants is my dad, and then yes, telling him to make something out of fabric would indeed be challenging. Actually, I am pretty sure that whatever it was that Ping non-sewed [in the first episode] would pretty much be what dad would make. I do think that there seems to be a LOT more talent – at least I thought so until I saw the veritable yawnfest that was the parade of WAY too crotchtacular sundresses. Ummm….call me crazy, but I don’t think that “youthful” really needs to be the sole criteria for fashion. Seriously, WTF? Are they designing for Target? Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of the Target Designer Collaborations, but I am just NOT that interested in watching a season of cheap looking Rodarte knock-offs.

[As to episode 1] OH THE HORROR what was UP with that fakeskin tube of poop?!? He should have gone home for sheer failure to design, but I am glad chickie went home because her dress was an insult to dresses. Kind of was hoping Season 7 Cryer would go home. You know who I mean. The one that cried her way through the whole show. NO CRYING AT ALL EVER ON PR OR I WILL HATE YOU AND ALL YOU STAND FOR. She has now inherited the mesh hat of shame and I will forever refer to her as Mesh Hat #3. Also? The dude with the Gwen Stefani red zipper dress? What the hell is up with his carefully crafted “Dirty Bartender” look? Ewww…. looks like the kind of guy that takes a 16 year old to her prom when he is 26.

[As to Episode 2] I *really* could have gone the entire run of PR — from its quirk-tastic crazy beginning through the sluggish decline into mediocrity and Lifetime all the way to the inevitable end where Bachelor rejects are brought on as “celebrity” contestants and the “challenges” all involve ill-matched product placement and poledancing — without seeing 100% of a model’s ass as it awkwardly horsestomps down the runway.

Ping, generally, and her HOLY HELL MODEL ASS thing, specifically:

SFL: Ping is clearly Pingtastic. And full of what we observers would have characterized as ‘agonizing whimsy’ in another season.  During the first ep, I looked at her “creation” and thought, kind of neat, but I bet she can’t sew for shit. So, yeah, she did well on artfully draping some fabric. But this is a *DESIGN* contest. We aren’t looking for the next budding display associate for Hobby Lobby.  And it turns out, I was right.  Second ep Ping made a contractor’s belt/apron and matching roadside public service vest out of a potato sack. And by “made,” I do NOT mean “sewed” because while Ping the Faux-Arty Fairy of Layering and Nachos did many unspeakable thing to the sacks, ‘sewing’ is not one of them. I could see keeping PTFAFOLAN around for entertainment value IF she had a grasp of basic necessary skills. Like, say, sewing and covering your model’s special places. But nay. I was and remain horrified.

IT:  I didn’t like Ping’s [first] outfit either, but it was the most interesting thing out there, which isn’t saying much.  Everything else looked like something I swear I stocked when I worked the Junior Misses department at JC Penny’s in the late 80s.I do adore Ping — as a contestant.  She really shoulda been auf’d for the bareass model, though.  In fact, I think there should be an AUTOMATIC auf’ing for something like that, regardless of the aesthetics of the rest of the design.  And she was warned!  Tim made a (rather hilarious) point about the height of the runway and the angle of perspective of the judges.  (BTW, does it seem to either of you like Tim’s phoning it in these days?).

BR:  First of all, any contestant who ignores the advice of the most awesomest Tim Gunn should be auf’d based on that kind of stupidity alone (Ahem…Ping…Jesus are you listening?).  However, based on design (or lack thereof) alone, Ping should have been auf’d.  Anyone who intentionally or unintentionally sends her model down the runway with her ass hanging out, particularly after having been told “your model’s ass crack and lady bits will be more exposed than they should be”, should just be automatically disqualified.  But pursuant to Santino theory, crazy people with bad designs can stay, so long as they continue to bring the crazy/ratings.

Add to that injustice is that Ping really doesn’t know what she is doing.  I hated last week’s design, it was just fabric draped all over the contestant, but OK, whatever.  This week it looked like she glue-gunned all the potato sacks together.  She clearly doesn’t have the technical skills necessary to be a contestant; if I were a rejected wannabe contestant, I’d be furious.  As for the losing outfit, it looked ridiculously dated; I did admire how she was able to transform the fabric to actually look like denim, but then to make an ugly denim dress?  Come on.  Hello, 1990s?  But still better than Ping’s disaster.

XX

Tim Gunn is Perfection.



Grassroots Gold Mine

“If there is any profit, the money will go toward furthering the cause of conservatism.”

Sherry Phillips, Tea Party Nation founder, on the whopping $549 it will cost a person just to get into the Teabaggin’ Clustersnuggle.  From today’s NYTimes. Note that Phillips also refused to discuss the reported $100,000.00 (yes, one hundred thousand dollars) that Palin is receiving to preach fist pump spew garbled homilies hopefully just show up speak. WTF people?

A hundred grand can do a LOT of *real* good. Hell, $549.00 can do a lot of good. You know, the kind of good that doesn’t involve shelling out one’s hard-earned dollars to be crammed in a hotel with a bunch of confused and angry white people who are being scammed by money-grubbing opportunists into thinking that the soggy chicken kiev they are eating is chock full of tasty patriotism. All while certain people are making BUCKETS and BUCKETS of money off of you.

WHY?

How ‘grassroots’ is that?

Couldn’t YOU do so much more with your money? Seriously, even if charity isn’t your thing, then for the love of whatever you consider holy, KEEP your dollars and either spend them on yourself and your loved ones, or donate it to a REAL candidate of YOUR choice.

And yes, I know that not all TEAfolk are white, angry, and confused. Likewise, I know that not all white, angry, and confused people are TEAfolk. But I think we can all agree that the TEA functions aren’t exactly a shining example of irenic diversity.

You can read more about the quickly disintegrating “organized” total TEA whatever here or you can read more of my mockery on the subject of teabaggery, Palin or other such shenanigoats by pretty much picking a post at random.

No thanks. I'm married.

WIN of the Week

This week’s WIN in Random Awesomeness goes to our local Books-a-Million for this (hopefully intentional) display of sweet holiday love:

Literary Kismet

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