Glenn Beck Has a Gift For You

Are you ready, America? Because I am about to offer you an emotional glimpse into the beautiful vortex of Glenn Beck’s REDEMPTION. Grab a chair, a hot cup of tea (because, as we all know, stories of redemption go down better with tea), and a econo-box of tissues and BEHOLD!

I got a little scared at the beginning, because the sound, FX, and editing made me totally think: “Watch OUT Glenn Beck! ZOMBIES!” – but no, that wasn’t it. Then I thought “Oh NO Glenn Beck! Car accident!” – but, no, it wasn’t that either. Then I kept watching and realized that the only thing menacing Glenn Beck was Glenn Beck himself. And possibly some giggling children. And the First Amendment.

Unfortunately, despite my rigorous research, I still have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER what this is about. I have gleaned only the following:

  • That it is, in fact, about a Christmas sweater.
  • That it takes Glenn Beck approximately 2 minutes, 17 seconds to squeeze out a tear.
  • That Glenn Beck’s eyes are the color of a sweet and innocent summer sky, but that only the very strong can gaze into them.
  • That something happened at some point, or possibly many points, and he hasn’t been able to talk about something for thirty years, but can now. Or will, if you buy something. And even though some event happened decades ago and changed him forever and from that point forward he was forever changed, he was also still simultaneously unchanged until only recently, and has apparently engaged in mucho jackassery for which he is now seeking or perhaps once sought forgiveness (which is free) and redemption (which costs around $549.00).

And the most important lesson?

  • That you cannot buy forgiveness, but you can buy bullshit.
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Conservative Gift Basket Ideas

Need to give a gift to a dear conservative friend/relative/newspaper delivery kid, but have NO idea what they are into? Never fear – SFL has got you covered. I suggest you go with the “gift basket” approach – because who DOESN’T love opening up one gift, only to find that it is actually many gifts. Well, maybe this guy. But most people – yes, even conservative – are delighted to receive a vessel full of gifts that have been thoughtfully hand-picked to thrill, amuse, and inebriate the recipient.

First, you will need something to delight the eye. In light of the holiday season, I suggest something red:

Note I said something “red,” not something “read.” I know that this is made even more confusing by the fact that, technically speaking, this is a “book.” (note the review by the very excellent J.C. Patriot). But from what I read, it would appear that this isn’t so much a book, as it is an idea of what a book should be as dreamed up by people who generally do not like books, facts, logic, editing, or character development. Much like Ms. Palin isn’t so much a leader as she is an idea of what a leader should be as dreamed up by people who generally do not like books, facts, logic, editing, or character development.

Okay, good.

So now that we have dazzled the eye, how ’bout a little something for the brain?

At last! Something for those who miss the good ol’ days of Bush I and Nixon AND appreciate the good ol’ challenge of a puzzle, unlike some nasty liberals who have to make fun of everything. This challenging mind-game is based on a lovingly-rendered painting of our treasured Republican presidents in the style of that calendar guy and the guy who totally captured the good ol’days that we never actually experienced and now never will thanks to socialism.

Now we need a little treat. How about something that reminds us of the reason for the season?

Yeah – I know. These are totally awesome. But unfortunately, they are not yet available for commercial purchase. I suppose you could go with the OFFICIAL Jesus cookie, but I think it would be nicer and more thoughtful if you rolled up your sleeves and made your own cookies.*

And, of course, no holiday gift basket is complete without booze:

just awesome.

And last, something to make them laugh.

Might I suggest that you avoid the audio version, as I understand that just the sound of Gore’s voice is enough to fill people with rage and crazy.

*NOTE:  While most of the gift ideas in this blog are sprinkled with snark, the cookie suggestion is straightforward. Baking, in any literal form, rules, and there is nothing nicer than taking the time to actually MAKE something for someone else.  Also, I must point out that I really really like that cookie cutter set.

Green Jellybeans: God’s Jealousy Or Just Bad Baking?

Ummm…so I was rambling about the webs looking for gift ideas, when I stumbled upon the “official” Jesus Cookie. According to the website, this is a “…family owned business, dedicated to furthering the kingdom of Jesus Christ.”  Check out the site’s testimonial:

One day, my children and I had taken some freshly baked Jesus cookies to a bank.  People were coming from all corners of the bank to see what the delicious smell was.  We shared the cookies and a particular bank employee, dressed in a suit and well over 6 feet tall stood enjoying his cookie.  My younger son looked up at the man and said, “Oh, you just ate a green jellybean, green represents God’s jealousy because He wants us to have no other gods before Him”.  The man looked at the cookie and smiled at my son and thought for a moment and then walked away.  We never know how such a seemingly small act could potentially be life changing for someone we may meet only once.

Call me a food snob, but jelly beans in cookies is TOTALLY disgusting. Couldn’t they have used a pistachio or even a raisin to represent God’s jealousy? Why a jellybean?

So, in the interests of integrity in baking, I have decided to make some OFFICIAL secular humanist cookies. The chocolate chips represents our compassion for others because chocolate is nice and so is compassion.

Yay! Cookies!

I’m Making a List and Checking It Twice…

So, Tennessee courts recently overturned the so-called ‘guns in bars’ law on the grounds that said law was embarrassing unconstitutional. Got a buddy/relative/cat groomer who is totally bummed out over this? Then I have the perfect gift idea for you:

 

Yee-HAW!!!

 

 

Grand Ol’ Clustersnuggle

Well, I can’t say that I am surprised to read this:

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) will speak at the first-ever National Tea Party Convention this upcoming February.

The announcement of plans for the conservative lawmaker to attend the Tennessee event came from Tea Party organizer Sherry Phillips via Twitter Tuesday.

Bachmann, who has emerged as a champion of the Tea Party movement, will join ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin at the convention for the “purpose of networking and supporting the movements’ multiple organizations principle goals.” Palin will be the “special keynote speaker” at the event, which is taking place at the Opryland Hotel in Nashville, Tennessee.

“Press will be allowed in a designated section of the lobby of the convention only and will not be allowed inside the convention,” reports the Nashville Post. “There will be no media allowed for the banquet with Sarah Palin.”

You can read the full Huff Po article here. Or, if you prefer your crazy full-on, maximum strength and utterly undiluted by reason, you can check out the superawesome teabaggerific site here. I want everyone to take a moment and let this sink in: The teabagger national convention is taking place in NASHVILLE. As in, Tennessee.  As in, WHERE I LIVE. Oh sweet science – does this mean we have to flee the state? Or does this mean we have to attend the event? Wait…

…I actually kind of want to go. Who wouldn’t like to experience a “media-free” Palin banquet? But then I read that tickets are $549. SERIOUSLY? What the FUCK people? You want to bitch about “those” people getting a penny of your money, but you are flush enough to fork over five hundred and forty-nine fucking dollars to watch a circle jerk of a clown car train wreck greed-fueled beauty pageant clusterfuck of a vortex of evil suck all that is good and smart and kind out of life?

HOLY SHIT my head just exploded.

So, here is my proposal. If you, good people of the interwebs, would like me, your southern female lawyer friend, to go and witness this shitacular event, I will add a PayPal donation function to this blog – and if I get $549 in donations, I will GO TO THE TEABAGGERAMA. For real. And I will blog the hell out of it. Pictures and all. And, I will have a sign contest and you all can design a sign for me to tote around. Comment and let me know if you want this to happen.

Good Ol' Choaking

 

Signs of the Apocalypse

Oh yes. What a hoot it would be if this happened:

‘Tis the Season…

…to help a fellow blogger. One of my favorite blogs is Monkey Muck, run by the very excellent Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein. Sadly, Herr Monkerstein has been the victim of some e-shenanigans. Heed the call and help him out. If you have not checked out his very awesome blog, you MUST IMMEDIATELY do so. For it rules. Help keep the snark alive – donations to the fund can be made via PayPal button found in top left corner of his homepage.

HELP MONKEY MUCK!

 

I stole this picture from Monkey Muck

 

 

 

Christmas Gift Ideas, Part 3

The only downside to the Christmas Sweater is that it ends. And what do you do when you are all tingly with the righteousness and redemption, but there is no more Beck?  O intrepid readers, fear not, for I have found the perfect companion gift.

BEHOLD…

Palate Cleanser

I know we don’t always agree. Let’s quit talking about politics for a while and just enjoy each other’s company. Maybe over some cookies and milk…

 

cookies are good

 

 

 

What? You’ve had a rough day, too? Milk isn’t going to cut it? Then let’s share a refreshing adult beverage and talk about puppies and kittens and whatnot.

 

 

Cheers!

Virtually, of course. I still have work to do.

xoxox – SFL

 

 

 

Your ‘Patriotism’ is Depressing Me

More teabaggery outrage. This time, they are outraged that people would have the temerity to believe that access to healthcare would have saved the lives of their 24 year old daughter and unborn grandchild AND then talk about it at a meeting on healthcare reform.

Last week while researching claims from a local Tea Party activist, I found myself asking a family for proof that they had lost an unborn grandchild.

The family, Dan and Midge Hough, of Chicago, spoke in favor of health care reform and in support of U.S. Rep. Dan Lipinski (D-3rd) at a Nov. 14 town hall meeting in Oak Lawn.

Their daughter-in-law, Jenny, and an unborn grandchild died recently due in part, they believe, to a lack of health insurance. They said Jenny was not receiving regular prenatal care and ended up in an emergency room with double pneumonia that developed into septic shock. Her baby died in the womb, and Jenny died a few weeks later, leaving behind a husband and a 2-year-old daughter.

Catherina Wojtowicz, of Chicago’s Mount Greenwood community, an organizer for a Tea Party splinter group, Chicago Tea Party Patriots, falsely claimed that the Houghs fabricated their story. In an e-mail, she called them operatives of President Barack Obama who “go from event to event and (cry) the same story.”

When the Houghs spoke at the Lipinski event, some Tea Partiers ridiculed them. They moaned and rolled their eyes and interrupted. Midge Hough began to cry.

The audience, Wojtowicz later explained, was exasperated by stories of isolated tragedies that cloud debate over the health care bill itself.

You can read the full article here.

Here is the video. Starting around 1.58 is when Midge Hough speaks about losing her daughter and unborn grandchild.

I am so very tired of this shit. Can we just get rid of all the bullshit and agree that it comes down to ONE issue: whether or not we, as represented by our government and tax dollars, have a duty to ensure that EVERYONE has access to healthcare?

If you don’t give a fuck that people go into bankruptcy because of the exorbitant costs of healthcare; awesome. If you have no problem with people dying just because they cannot access the healthcare system; then cool. If you are fine with the status quo and think it is just wonderful that we allow insurance companies to profit grossly by controlling access to the most basic needs of our citizens; fabulous.

But let’s be honest – your primary motivations are your own interests. You don’t want to be financially responsible for the welfare of others. I understand. I totally disagree, but I understand. However, don’t tell me that PATRIOTISM is the reason behind your belief, with the express implication that people that desire otherwise are somehow selfish/elitist/socialists simply because we believe that our government should act in the best interests of everyone.

Patriotism is the state of caring deeply about one’s country. But what the self-proclaimed ‘TEA party patriots’ don’t get is that there is a great distinction between individual subjective desires and the objective interests of our “Country.”  Our country isn’t defined by lower taxes. Or christianity. Or whatever personal belief or interest you wish to promote and protect. This country is objectively defined by its citizens and their collective work, creativity, ingenuity, and well-being.

If you feel that this country is going in the wrong direction, then do something about it. However, if you don’t like the direction it is going in because of the adverse effect it has on you, even though the direction is inarguably better for many others, don’t try to pretend that you are being selfless patriots. Because you aren’t. You are simply acting to protect your own interests.

So sack up and be honest about it.

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