Glenn Beck Has a Gift For You

Are you ready, America? Because I am about to offer you an emotional glimpse into the beautiful vortex of Glenn Beck’s REDEMPTION. Grab a chair, a hot cup of tea (because, as we all know, stories of redemption go down better with tea), and a econo-box of tissues and BEHOLD!

I got a little scared at the beginning, because the sound, FX, and editing made me totally think: “Watch OUT Glenn Beck! ZOMBIES!” – but no, that wasn’t it. Then I thought “Oh NO Glenn Beck! Car accident!” – but, no, it wasn’t that either. Then I kept watching and realized that the only thing menacing Glenn Beck was Glenn Beck himself. And possibly some giggling children. And the First Amendment.

Unfortunately, despite my rigorous research, I still have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER what this is about. I have gleaned only the following:

  • That it is, in fact, about a Christmas sweater.
  • That it takes Glenn Beck approximately 2 minutes, 17 seconds to squeeze out a tear.
  • That Glenn Beck’s eyes are the color of a sweet and innocent summer sky, but that only the very strong can gaze into them.
  • That something happened at some point, or possibly many points, and he hasn’t been able to talk about something for thirty years, but can now. Or will, if you buy something. And even though some event happened decades ago and changed him forever and from that point forward he was forever changed, he was also still simultaneously unchanged until only recently, and has apparently engaged in mucho jackassery for which he is now seeking or perhaps once sought forgiveness (which is free) and redemption (which costs around $549.00).

And the most important lesson?

  • That you cannot buy forgiveness, but you can buy bullshit.


  1. November 30, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    I started to watch it … but I was creeped out by his eyes. I am weak.

  2. Joe said,

    December 1, 2009 at 9:47 am

    The One Star reviews over at Amazon are pretty useful.

  3. Snad said,

    December 2, 2009 at 12:23 am

    Sweet review, SFL. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time!

  4. southern female lawyer said,

    December 2, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    I have looked and looked and looked, but cannot find an answer to the following question: where does the money that Beck earns from the whole Christmas Sweater shitseries go? I ASSUMED that at least some of the proceeds went to a charity, but I can find NOTHING to indicate that the money is going anywhere but in Beck’s pocket.

    Or, to put it Beck-style: At no point and in no way has Beck even bothered to deny that all the money made of the Christmas Sweater machine goes straight up his nose.

  5. January 29, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    This is a interesting point. I believe that you made a great point. Thank you for casting light on this. I have enjoyed viewing your web page.

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