Let’s Put the “Beck” Back in Christbeckmas…

Oh HELL yes – I totally know what what I am getting people for Christmas:

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It’s like the Vagina Monologues, except instead of empowering millions of women, it empowers Glenn Beck!

*First, the singing of the glorious music by people who are not Glenn Beck but have no doubt been touched by him.

Then Glenn Beck himself will ascend to the stage, surrounded by real life-living people whose lives he has touchingly touched and Glenn Beck will tell these lovingly touched real life-living people about the real life events that inspired him to write about the real life events of struggling and brink-bringing-back-from and the restoring and the whatnot.

Then there will also be the sharing of the overwhelming stories of people whose real lives have been literally changed and touched lovingly, redemption-wise, what with the bringing back of some of them from literal brinks and the restoring of the real-life family relationships and such as.  There will be the tellings of the struggles with the brink of collapse at the mouth of the abyss and how all were brought back to revisit the redemption by the life-changing impact of The Christmas Sweater’s message, which has been had on people all over the country.

Then, Glenn Beck will bestow a simple gift on all the real-life living sharing sharers which is the literal gift of showing you a re-mastered, lovingly retouched and literally exclusive version of The Christmas Sweater, which is not actually a sweater but an experience of the allegory of the struggles and redemption. Afterward, there will be even more of the literal introducing of the real life  livers who were literally touched by the re-telling of the retouched touching story and then you will be shared with the story as you experience their intimate journey of transformation through the simple gift of life-sharing brink-saving redemption. In closing, Glenn Beck will be touchingly love-lifted and touched by the literal premier voices of redemption and you may share in the simple gift of the watching Glenn Beck’s literal ascension to the heights of uplifting raisings and the rousers of the music.

This incredibly uplifting raising of the life-affirming literal brink-leaving of Glenn Beck celebration will be simulcast to HD movie theatres all over the country.  Join Glenn Beck and the life-living touchingly touched people he has literally touched for the next evolution of The Christmas Sweater and see for yourself why critics and audiences alike are heralding Glenn Beck as a new American classic. This is a once in a lifetime event, and a perfect way to celebrate the true meaning of Glenn Beck with your entire family from the comfort of your local movie theatre.

*This lovingly re-touched telling of the heralding of the story of how we all may experience the redemption of Glenn Beck was taken from the literal true places of selling the experience and then saved from the brink of the abyss of collapse with the heralding of touching.

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15 Comments

  1. Sam said,

    October 27, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    Prepare yourself for the latest incarnation of Glenn Beck’s deeply nauseating tale of self-love, narrow, mean fundamentalism, and family (except for the ex-wife and her two kids), as he presents, The Christmas Sweater – A Return To Redemption in over 400 movie theatres nationwide for two nights – Thursday, December 3rd (LIVE) and Thursday, December 10th (ENCORE). Glenn will re-introduce The Christmas Sweater by picking up where the story left off by telling self-congratulatory tales of allegedly real people who allegedly fell for his crap. This is a once in a lifetime event – manure doesn’t stink this bad every day, and a perfect way to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas for Glenn, by contributing to Glenn’s wallet, with your entire family from the comfort of your local movie theatre, as opposed to, say, something Christ-like, like working for charity or helping feed the hungry.

    The evening will begin with some choir no one’s heard of singing awful schmaltzy carols. Before a live audience, Glenn will tell you about the real life events that inspired him to write The Christmas Sweater. Could be the drug use. Maybe the nasty divorce. Or maybe the anecdote about how he taunted a radio rival’s wife on air about her miscarriage early in his career. And he’ll continue the theme of the Greatness of Glenn with B.S. stories of the overwhelming response he received about how he supposedly redeemed people’s lives, and how his complete awesomeness brought a bunch of fine, white, Baptist folks from the brink of collapse and restored family relationships. You know, the kind of thing where someone stops drinking or beats their gay son back into the closet with the Help of Glenn and Jesus (and don’t you forget who gets the top billing there). Then, Glenn will show a heavily edited version of The Christmas Sweater taped live (how else does one tape?!?) during his 2008 cross-country tour. Afterward, Glenn will introduce you to some of the actors, um, people who were paid well, no, wait, dammit, TOUCHED by the story and you’ll experience their intimate journey of transformation through the simple gift of horribly written dialogue that no one except for a moron would fall for. In closing, Glenn will be joined once again by some choir desperate for funding to end the evening with more shamelessly simplistic and crappy Christmas music. And he’ll probably weep. Heavily.

    This incredible Christmas celebration will be simulcast to near-empty HD movie theatres all over the country. Join Glenn for the next evolution (wait, isn’t evolution BAD?!?!?) of The Christmas Sweater and see for yourself why critics and audiences alike are heralding it as a new American classic. You know, the same kind of bribed critics and incredibly stupid audiences who loved Zamfir’s Pan Flute Christmas.

  2. Dr. Monkey said,

    October 28, 2009 at 2:01 am

    You’ve fired the first shot int he war on Glen Beck’s Christmas. Well played madam, well played.

  3. Ken Houghton said,

    October 28, 2009 at 8:57 am

    I thought The Christmas Sweater was about someone who pays $10K to be crammed into a Sweat Lodge by a Huckster.

    On the third day, when MRIs of his brain show it to be pudding, Glenn Beck looks at video and announces that he is fully conscious, proving it by showing his own MRI next to the person, noting they are identical.

  4. mark said,

    October 28, 2009 at 9:15 am

    ha! splendid post

  5. gerry said,

    October 28, 2009 at 11:45 am

    If Glenn Beck had a brain, he’d be kicking it around the lawn.

  6. October 28, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    I saw this the other day on the “bestseller” racks of a local bookstore and damn near spit out my coffee! May it soon join the clearance racks alongside Ms. Palin’s fine work.

  7. bobbo said,

    October 28, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    No question Glenn has piqued my interest with this moving tale, literally. How fantastic this sweater must be, to have saved so many lives! I never knew sweaters could be so awesome. Man, that must be one great sweater.

  8. cyntax said,

    October 28, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    Having stumbled here from LGM, let me first commend you on the sheer amount of win in this post. Also a bit curious (given some of the reasonable complaints you’ve voiced about your relatives in earlier posts) as to whether the irony of said gifts will register on the recipients. Or do you plan on mailing these out of state?

  9. southern female lawyer said,

    October 28, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    I think that if I were to give this simple gift to some of my relatives, it would be irony-free, because (1) it is something they want (and really? probably have already), (2) I would know this going in, which means that (3) I would be spending money on something I find loathsome to give them a gift they want.

    The thing is, back in the day, this would have been a perfect gift to give said relatives, as at that point they were conservative, but they were not religious at the time and were somewhat socially progressive. And they probably would have found it hilarious. Not so much anymore. In fact, if they are not actually TEA partiers, then they are certainly inching toward that frozen circle. I blame the teabaggery for taking their sense of humor.

    And, at the end of the day, I don’t want to spend my money on this simple gift of redemption and touching. Though I am Gen X enough to kinda/sorta want a copy on hand for spontaneous dramatic readings, so I will keep my eyes peeled at used bookstores.

  10. JJ said,

    October 29, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    He’s from Tampa and was broadcasting from there during the Terri Schiavo debacle in 2004. That’s when I first heard him and listened in horrid fascination as he exploited that tragic situation for all it was worth, including accusing husband Michael Schiavo quite openly of being a wife abuser and murderer now out for the money and inciting anyone he could browbeat into kidnapping her (our Catholic governor Jeb Bush almost went for it, in fact, exploring what it would take to have her bodily seized by his welfare department (some warped form of habeus corpus?) and brought to him in the mansion for safekeeping of course. Glenn was all for it, happy Easter!

  11. southern female lawyer said,

    November 12, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    For another totally fabulous rant on Christbeckmas, check this out: http://vivalasvegass.blogspot.com/2009/11/glenn-beck-tries-to-ruin-christmas.html

  12. ubermilf said,

    November 12, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    If Glenn Beck thinks he’s Jesus, does this mean we can kill him to see if he rises from the dead?

  13. beth jenkins said,

    December 4, 2009 at 8:40 am

    wow, stumbled upon this blog, what a bunchof bitter people!
    You are just helping Glen make his point, it is America and it is great because we can all do, say and be anything we want to be.

  14. southern female lawyer said,

    December 4, 2009 at 9:05 am

    Bitter seems a particularly inapt choice of word. I personally find “jubilant” to be my default operational mode. Perhaps you meant “sarcastic.” Or “dismayed” that a bunch of bitter, fearful people have chosen to rally behind a man who chooses noise over knowledge and cruelty over compassion every chance he gets.

    It seems to me that Beck’s point is that America is no longer great because we have let too many people (read: non-whites, non-Christians, non-male – you know, people that aren’t “real” Americans) have the chance to do/say/be anything.

  15. kef said,

    December 12, 2009 at 8:32 am

    I just want to know why he isn’t wearing a sweater.


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