Local WIN: Letter to the Editor

One of my favorite insanity troughs, as most readers know, is the comments section for the online edition of local future-gerbil-bedding Kingsport Times-News. These halls of bad grammar, ALLCAPSRANTINGS, mind-blowing bigotry, and proud ignorance have been depressing me as well as providing me with mockery fodder for several years now. Unfortunately, one of the perfectly reasonable conclusions that one may draw after perusing said embarrassment is that we, the locals, are overwhelmingly incredibly ignorant bigots whose grammar, basic reasoning, and life skills are so poor, it is a wonder we managed to crawl over the meth labs, trampolines, outhouses, spitoons, and fatheruncles to get to the computer.

Nay, Gentle Reader. It is not so. There are many intelligent, thoughtful, and civilized people in these parts. I have even *met* some of them via the Kingsport Times-News comment section (Celeste!). But lest you disbelieve me, and think (as I sometimes fear) that these parts are chock-full of naught but Fox-watching omniphobes, I present this awesome Letter to the Editor and our Local WIN:

Why hasn’t Obama fixed leak yet?

Published June 2nd, 2010

It is appalling that Barack Obama has not geared up and gone down and capped the leaking BP oil well. Everyone knows he could have already if he weren’t intent on stalling to try to make the poor, honorable oil industry look bad, and it wouldn’t have happened in the first place if he were doing a better job personally inspecting the offshore oil drilling adherence to safety regulations as he should have been in his spare time. Instead, there have been weeks wasted with only dozens of engineers, scientists, oil industry experts, and government officials helplessly flailing around without his supervision trying to come up with ideas on how to cap the mile-deep leak, while except for two measly presidential visits, Obama has been impeding their progress by coldly staying out of their way and sadistically denying the Gulf Coast states governors access to the ultimate scapegoat symbol of the evil federal government they love to ridicule.

Or, that’s what I think I was told to think by most of the people getting on TV “news” shows because they’ve got something — anything — whatever to say. I assume it’s true, and I don’t owe any intellectual royalties on it.

Ron Dingus

Kingsport

Ron Dingus – you, sir, are truly a pie-worthy Local WIN.

Ron Dingus - This Pie Is For You

Local WIN

Well folks…

When I clicked on the link, I was sure I’d found our next Burning Shame Award recipient. However, after peeping his mugshot and reading of his completely understandable defense, I totally changed my mind and realized that this story is, 100%, hands-down balls-out Local WIN.

Just. AWESOME.

A Church Hill man has been charged with indecent exposure after allegedly running nude through a Kingsport grocery store, wearing only a rubber mask on his face.

The man was arrested at a nearby Hardee’s, where he reportedly asked employees for clothing before hiding in the bathroom. Police say the suspect admitted to the incident, citing, “he was bored and didn’t have anything to do.”

A report from Kingsport police identifies the man as Daniel R. Lee, 22, of 612 East Main Boulevard, apartment A, Church Hill. He allegedly walked into the IGA grocery store, 3006 North John B. Dennis Highway, at about 9 p.m Friday.

Police say he was, “wearing only a rubber mask.”

Store personnel told police that Lee ran around the store exposing himself to several customer and employees. One member of the staff attempted to run Lee down as he left the store, but was unable to catch him.

However, according to the police report, the employee did nab a woman that accompanied Lee. She is identified as Katelyn M. Trent, 18, of 1849 1/2 Forest View Drive, Kingsport. She allegedly claimed Lee was her boyfriend.

The report says police located Lee in the bathroom of a nearby Hardee’s. Restaurant employees told police he entered, “wearing only an orange hoodie, ” and was, “attempting to cover himself up and asking for any piece of clothing.”

One male employee gave Lee a pair of basketball shorts, according to the report. Police found Lee in the bathroom, wearing the shorts and orange hoodie.

“Daniel advised me that he did run through the IGA nude because he was bored and didn’t have anything to do,” reads the officers report.

Lee was charged with indecent exposure, arrested and transported to the Kingsport jail.

So, Daniel R. Lee, this one’s for you, dude.

Hells YES