Dear Pat Robertson/Random Awesomeness

The SFL Random Awesomeness of the Week Award goes out to Lily Coyle of Minneapolis for the elegantly ghost-written letter to Pat Robertson from Satan, found here in the Star Tribune:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll. You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract. Best, Satan

LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS

H/T to the ever awesome Lawyers, Guns and Money .

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Wal-Mart Is Pure Evil, Part 784

So, it will probably come as no surprise to someone who has read this blog (being that most people who read this blog, all 7 of them, actually know me) that I loathe Wal-Mart. In my entire life, I have been in a Wal-Mart exactly once and have bought exactly one item from Wal-Mart. Strangely, this was on my wedding day. And yes, I am flaky enough to worry that this act was just asking for bad luck. And even though I love my husband to teensy little crunchy bits, I would not be at all adverse to hearing tips on getting rid of any bad spirits, luck, mojo, karma, whatevs incurred by this unwise action that SFL readers might have.

But aside from that one incident, I have been steadfast in my intolerance for all things Wal-Mart (with the noted exception of this delightful website, much of which is NSFW and/or may cause instant vomiting and bleeding from the eyes).  So, this incident sadly came as no surprise. Long awful story short, two attorneys were shopping at their local Wal-Mart with their adopted children, when one was stopped and accused of shoplifting. The couple was detained, separated from their children, put in cop cars, and ultimately were let go when a review of the security tapes CLEARLY showed that neither man had stolen a single Bic lighter. Yes. Wal-Mart had accused the men of stealing a pack of Bic lighters.

Nonetheless, Wal-Mart banned both men from its hallowed environs FOR LIFE. Setting aside the fact that this is really in the best interests of everyone because NO ONE should be shopping at Wal-Mart, this is still asinine beyond belief. Nor does it end there. AFTER the men were cleared AND banned, Wal-Mart inexplicably SENT THE MEN A BILL FOR $158.40, presumably to reimburse Wal-Mart for the pain and suffering it incurred while unfairly detaining and accusing the couple and harassing their children.

Lest you leave my blog filled with rage over the PURE EVIL OF WALMART, let me leave you with this delightful and completely true anecdote.

Unsurprisingly, I have managed to pass along my negative opinions on Wal-Mart to my spawn. It isn’t like I tell them Wal-Mart is Satan’s favorite place to shop or that they will go blind if they shop there, but I make it clear that Wal-Mart sucks, and we don’t shop there for legitimate reasons. Some of those reasons apparently stuck in the quick and brilliant little mind of Spawn #1. When he was five (YES, FIVE), his grandmother (yes, that one, who is also the person who relayed this incident to me and did NOT find it amusing) decided that she was going to take #1 with her to Wal-Mart. #1 was NOT happy with this, and made his unhappiness known, but ultimately (because he is very reluctant to offend anyone) went along with Grandma.

#1 walked into Wal-Mart with a great deal of discomfort, I am told. Once he got inside, he looked around until he found a Wal-Mart employee. He then went up to her and tugged on her sleeve. When she asked him how she could help him, #1 asked HER “Are they treating you okay here? Do you have health insurance?”

I do not make this shit up. He has also tried to unionize our local Panera workers.

000_0007

World of K