Your Lack of Adoration is Making Glenn Beck Cry

You people disgust me. Glenn Beck has given you the greatest gift of all time – and what do you ungrateful jackasses do? Ignore him. Nice work, assholes. Only 17 people in Boston and New York had the balls to stand up for what is right and good and true and wonderful.  SEVENTEEN.

Glenn Beck Cries A Lot

Where were the rest of you? What is your problem, people? And it isn’t like there was a Palin turkey shoot Glamour Shots session KKK flea market book signing anywhere nearby to distract you. What – are you just too cheap to shell out $20 for some redemption? Are you afraid that you will cry? Maybe you are one of those “Happy Holidays!” people.

No – WAIT – I know. You HATE AMERICA.

Bastards.

Adventures in Local Bigotry: Burning Shame Award of the Week

At first I was going to blog this as the Fail of the Week. But then I realized it is only MONDAY. And I also realized that it just isn’t fair to the rest of the world to let East Tennessee carry all the Fail. So, in honor of East Tennessee’s commitment to keepin’ it klassy, I would like to introduce you to my new award category:

THE SFL BURNING SHAME AWARD.

Which is based on this charming photo:

The Lady's Not For Burning

And of course, our first winner comes fresh from the comments section of the online Kingsport Times-News.

Today’s topic – Muslims. Or muslin. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between a human and a bolt of cloth. Tough times – thank goodness we have the Kingsport Times-News – solid bastion of impartial journalism – to let us know:

Tennessee activists warn churchgoers Muslims are trying to destroy America

A belief that Muslims are out to destroy the American way of life is gaining a foothold in some Christian and Jewish circles in Nashville. The movement spreads its message through films, books and the Internet. Its sentiment: Islam is an evil religion rooted in hatred and nurtured by violence. Some churches have gotten involved, hosting viewings of movies that alert Jews and Christians of the perceived dangers worldwide. One film, produced by a local filmmaker, warns that a second Holocaust is imminent if Americans do not stand united politically with Israel.

Now, Kingsport just ran the above text with a link to the real article Is Islam a Threat to America? The full article ran in the Tennessean and, despite the HORRIBLE title, the Tennessean showed pretty clearly that the people and groups behind this bullshit are a bunch of freaking crazy political whackjobs who don’t know what the fuck they are talking about.

But leave it to the ever shitty Kingsport paper to give a short blurb that totally misses the mark and makes this lunacy seem both legit AND homespun-awesome. And basically suggests that its readership get on board. Which, let’s be honest, most of the readers of said shitty paper don’t need any further encouragement, but still… Call me old-fashioned, but I think it is nice when a newspaper tilts more towards “informative” than “persuasive.”

But at least one commenter did not need any persuadin’ on the matter. Let me introduce you to TF, the first-ever recipient of the newly minted SFL Burning Shame Award:

Yes I have spent 3 month with the Muslins and have had 7-8 in my home and had contact over the last 12 years on a weekly email, one told me ” if Michelangelo was around in my life time I would kill him for making a naked statue of my David ” and he was as serious as could be. That is the main reason they hate the US people is because of our life style and same in Europe. They birth about 5 times as many babies as all other religions and that is how they are going to take over in time to come. You need to wake up and get to know your maker!

STAY KLASSY TENNESSEE!

The War on the War on the Imaginary War on Christmas

Because there is very little that I feel cannot be enjoyed with a healthy dose of sarcasm:

Stand For More Ridiculous Histrionics From the Dominant Culture

Oh boy. Here we go again. The War On the Imaginary War On Christmas has escalated the interweb hand-wringing. Check out standforchristmas.com, a site that has been brought to you by the outstanding folks at Focus on the Family. As the site informs:

Millions upon millions in our nation deeply value the great truths of Christmas and the holiday’s inspiring place in American life and culture. We hope you will take a moment to “Stand for Christmas” by sharing feedback about your Christmas shopping experiences.

We’re asking YOU to decide which retailers are “Christmas-friendly.” They want your patronage and your gift-shopping dollars, but do they openly recognize Christmas?

Participants are asked to indicate whether a particular retailer is “Christmas-Friendly,” “Christmas-negligent,” or “Christmas-offensive.”  Readers should know that “Christmas-friendly” does not mean merely that a store does business with one who celebrates Christmas; nor does “Christmas-offensive” mean that a store has taken an action that is hostile toward one who celebrates Christmas.

No no no! For example, check out the following review of Banana Republic:

Comment Date: Nov 28 2009 10:13 AM

Rating: Christmas-Offensive

Comment: I clicked on their ad and used their search function. Typing in “Christmas gifts” I got “Holiday gifts.” Narrowing my search, I typed in “Christmas” and got “0 results for this search.” They will get the same number of purchases from me.

If one does not use the word “Christmas,” then one is offensive.  Likewise, simply acknowledging another religion’s holiday is offensive to those who observe Christmas. Most people have probably heard about the shitstorm over Best Buy. You can see the full story, as well as the HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE AND ANTI-CHRISTIAN ad here.

Wanna know what the bigots at Stand for Christmas think? Oh you know you do!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 6:27 AM

Rating: Christmas-Offensive

Comment: We purchased $2000.00 of computer equipment in June & were planning to purchase a Net book & wii system for Christmas. However, I found the Thanksgiving ad celebrating the Muslim holiday offensive. I am disappointed in Best Buy and intend to make my CHRISTMAS purchases & all other puchases in the future elsewhere. I only wish I had known in June-I would have spent that money elsewhere also. I think Best Buy should reconsider their policy!!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 9:58 AM

Rating: Christmas-Offensive

Comment: Who on earth do these people have in their marketing department? The number one rule of marketing is to promote your items to people who will buy them. I understand that Eid al-Adha was the day after Thanksgiving, but I don’t buy presents for that holiday any more than I would for Thanksgiving. Like the majority of Americans, I buy *Christmas* presents in honor of the gift God gave to us in the form of Jesus Christ. However, I will NOT be buying them from Best Buy this year. I will Christmas shop ONLY at stores that promote Christmas!!!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 7:33 AM

Rating: Christmas-Offensive

Comment: Christmas Negligent AND Offensive, Best Buy. Shame on you. I have purchased much from you each CHRISTMAS Season,but not this year!This is too much for us to grasp–WHY do you feel it important to give good wishes to the Muslim community, and at the same time offend so many Christians and Americans. Maybe you need to reconsider having your business in America. May God help you reconsider your stance.

And just in case this isn’t sufficient righteous indignation, please check the full-strength unfiltered crazy here and here.

So, apparently, in order to be considered “Christmas-friendly,” a retailer must overtly and explicitly recognize Christmas in advertising, personnel interaction, and store decorations and said recognition better be happening by Thanksgiving. In addition, a retailer CANNOT recognize any other religious holidays and must understand that the only event of any importance occurring after Thanksgiving is Christmas.  Furthermore, if a retailer fails to acknowledge Christmas as separate from and superior to all other religious events, then that retailer is patently offensive to christianity.

Good grief, people. What the fuck more do you want? Oh yeah – total control, I forgot. Can’t you just settle for being the dominant culture and leave the rest of us in peace? Oops – forgot that “peace” is offensive, too.

One of My Reasons for the Season

Glenn Beck Has a Gift For You

Are you ready, America? Because I am about to offer you an emotional glimpse into the beautiful vortex of Glenn Beck’s REDEMPTION. Grab a chair, a hot cup of tea (because, as we all know, stories of redemption go down better with tea), and a econo-box of tissues and BEHOLD!

I got a little scared at the beginning, because the sound, FX, and editing made me totally think: “Watch OUT Glenn Beck! ZOMBIES!” – but no, that wasn’t it. Then I thought “Oh NO Glenn Beck! Car accident!” – but, no, it wasn’t that either. Then I kept watching and realized that the only thing menacing Glenn Beck was Glenn Beck himself. And possibly some giggling children. And the First Amendment.

Unfortunately, despite my rigorous research, I still have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER what this is about. I have gleaned only the following:

  • That it is, in fact, about a Christmas sweater.
  • That it takes Glenn Beck approximately 2 minutes, 17 seconds to squeeze out a tear.
  • That Glenn Beck’s eyes are the color of a sweet and innocent summer sky, but that only the very strong can gaze into them.
  • That something happened at some point, or possibly many points, and he hasn’t been able to talk about something for thirty years, but can now. Or will, if you buy something. And even though some event happened decades ago and changed him forever and from that point forward he was forever changed, he was also still simultaneously unchanged until only recently, and has apparently engaged in mucho jackassery for which he is now seeking or perhaps once sought forgiveness (which is free) and redemption (which costs around $549.00).

And the most important lesson?

  • That you cannot buy forgiveness, but you can buy bullshit.

Conservative Gift Basket Ideas

Need to give a gift to a dear conservative friend/relative/newspaper delivery kid, but have NO idea what they are into? Never fear – SFL has got you covered. I suggest you go with the “gift basket” approach – because who DOESN’T love opening up one gift, only to find that it is actually many gifts. Well, maybe this guy. But most people – yes, even conservative – are delighted to receive a vessel full of gifts that have been thoughtfully hand-picked to thrill, amuse, and inebriate the recipient.

First, you will need something to delight the eye. In light of the holiday season, I suggest something red:

Note I said something “red,” not something “read.” I know that this is made even more confusing by the fact that, technically speaking, this is a “book.” (note the review by the very excellent J.C. Patriot). But from what I read, it would appear that this isn’t so much a book, as it is an idea of what a book should be as dreamed up by people who generally do not like books, facts, logic, editing, or character development. Much like Ms. Palin isn’t so much a leader as she is an idea of what a leader should be as dreamed up by people who generally do not like books, facts, logic, editing, or character development.

Okay, good.

So now that we have dazzled the eye, how ’bout a little something for the brain?

At last! Something for those who miss the good ol’ days of Bush I and Nixon AND appreciate the good ol’ challenge of a puzzle, unlike some nasty liberals who have to make fun of everything. This challenging mind-game is based on a lovingly-rendered painting of our treasured Republican presidents in the style of that calendar guy and the guy who totally captured the good ol’days that we never actually experienced and now never will thanks to socialism.

Now we need a little treat. How about something that reminds us of the reason for the season?

Yeah – I know. These are totally awesome. But unfortunately, they are not yet available for commercial purchase. I suppose you could go with the OFFICIAL Jesus cookie, but I think it would be nicer and more thoughtful if you rolled up your sleeves and made your own cookies.*

And, of course, no holiday gift basket is complete without booze:

just awesome.

And last, something to make them laugh.

Might I suggest that you avoid the audio version, as I understand that just the sound of Gore’s voice is enough to fill people with rage and crazy.

*NOTE:  While most of the gift ideas in this blog are sprinkled with snark, the cookie suggestion is straightforward. Baking, in any literal form, rules, and there is nothing nicer than taking the time to actually MAKE something for someone else.  Also, I must point out that I really really like that cookie cutter set.

Green Jellybeans: God’s Jealousy Or Just Bad Baking?

Ummm…so I was rambling about the webs looking for gift ideas, when I stumbled upon the “official” Jesus Cookie. According to the website, this is a “…family owned business, dedicated to furthering the kingdom of Jesus Christ.”  Check out the site’s testimonial:

One day, my children and I had taken some freshly baked Jesus cookies to a bank.  People were coming from all corners of the bank to see what the delicious smell was.  We shared the cookies and a particular bank employee, dressed in a suit and well over 6 feet tall stood enjoying his cookie.  My younger son looked up at the man and said, “Oh, you just ate a green jellybean, green represents God’s jealousy because He wants us to have no other gods before Him”.  The man looked at the cookie and smiled at my son and thought for a moment and then walked away.  We never know how such a seemingly small act could potentially be life changing for someone we may meet only once.

Call me a food snob, but jelly beans in cookies is TOTALLY disgusting. Couldn’t they have used a pistachio or even a raisin to represent God’s jealousy? Why a jellybean?

So, in the interests of integrity in baking, I have decided to make some OFFICIAL secular humanist cookies. The chocolate chips represents our compassion for others because chocolate is nice and so is compassion.

Yay! Cookies!

Desperately Seeking SFL…

One of the delights of WordPress is that I can see the search terms that led people to my blog.  Here are a few of my favorites:

dungeons and dragons wedding cake

evil wal-mart

nasty liberals

grammer usage

evil lawyers

i believe i am an alien

sweet yams

janeane garofalo tattoos

Judgey judge

FAIL of the Week, November 16, 2009

FAIL of the Week goes to the 42 House members that blithely allowed Genentech to stick its greedy, corporate hand up their butts and use them as shill puppets.

In an interview, Representative Bill Pascrell Jr., Democrat of New Jersey, said: “I regret that the language was the same. I did not know it was.” He said he got his statement from his staff and “did not know where they got the information from.”

Way to go!

 

Venus_Unicorn_Hand_Puppet

Bestest Hand Puppet EVER

 

 

 

Twilight of My Soul

Some warnings before we proceed. (1). If the ‘Twilight’ fills you with sparkly squee, you are not going to love this post. (2). If you, as I previously had, have luckily managed to utterly ignore the whole TwiThing, then please, for the love of god, leave this page right now. Save yourself. Run.

Oh..KAY..

So yeah, I am aware of the whole TwiThing. I generally (**generally** NOT unconditionally) love sci-fi and horror/fantasy/whateverthefuck you call stuff with zombies, robots, killer daisies, etc.  However, I am not really into dramatic crap about vampires. I was never a big Anne Rice fan. Quit watching TruBlood after 2 episodes. Etc. HOWEVER, if you throw in some funny and/or some insane fight choreography, I am on totally on board and will sit through the mushy shit (i.e., Buffy, Christopher Moore). Because that is really the difference, isn’t it? Mushy shit. You don’t see a lot of ‘tender’ heroines fawning over zombies. And aside from the dramatic ‘human’ question, robots are more likely to be carnally used and tossed, than to be the object of some self-loathing human’s obsessive love.

But vampires? What a long history of painful, ridiculous, embarrassing “love” stories we have here. Anyone else remember cringing your way through Bram Stoker’s Dracula? I was SO delighted when Gary Oldman floated creepily about – I mean, how PERFECT was he? And then they had to go and spoil a perfectly good vampire horror story. It could have been done differently.

I am not talking about GOOD love stories – I don’t hate love.  I DO hate “love” stories that spray “love” everywhere, shove “love” down your throat, and calls itself ‘profound’ and ‘passionate.’ It isn’t “love” just because you say so – you STILL need to engage in good writing and SELL it to us. The “love story” element doesn’t have to take over and, done correctly, (see Gaiman, Neil:  anything) can enhance the horror/fantasy/sci fi elements. For example, I thought the Buffy/Angel thing was REALLY well-done for the most part.  Because it knew when to be subtle and when to be aggressive. But, unfortunately, these are the exceptions.

So, yeah, not a big fan of the romantic vampire drama genre. But I have been really terribly swamped with the lawyering work of late and much in need of some easy mind-candy.

So, I picked up the first Twilight book, or “Twilight,” as it is called. Made it through. Read the second one, moon something? maybe. Had some hope after that. You know, first book = Girl falls in love with vampire (blerg), second book = Girl rebounds with werewolf. So, I am thinking things are on a decent track. Maybe in Book 3 (there is a ribbon, kind of chewed-up looking) Girl will go on a bender and have nasty revenge sex with a whole bunch of zombies. And by Book 4 (no idea), Girl will settle down with a nice respectable robot and plan the destruction of earth as we know it.  Something told me I was going to be disappointed.

Well, I have finished the 3rd book, and I am sorry to report that it is entirely devoid of zombie. Well, real zombies. There are a lot of 2 dimensional characters that lurch around stiffly and engage in repetitive and uncomfortable speech, but they cannot be rightly categorized as zombies. See, I have read a lot of the criticisms of this series – that it is poorly (or at least not well-) written, that it is anti-female, that it is anti-feminist, that it it anti-sex, etc etc etc. And you know? All of these allegations are valid to some degree. But I was was willing to give it a shot. Because, let’s be honest, the sci-fi/horror/fantasy genre is not exactly a walk down the women’s studies reading list (but see, e.g., Tepper, Sheri).

I think I may have hit a wall. The main reason I have made it this far through the books is that I know what happens in the 4th book, and was willing to suffer through all the TLA shit with the schmaltzy Romeo and Juliet crap and the completely unworthy self-comparisons to Wuthering Heights (hands OFF the Brontes, Twi-Stuff Author!). Because how cool is the violent birth of a human/vampire spawn, right? But people, I just don’t know if I can make it.

Stephen King was right in that these books are NOT well written. The underlying plot is driving, and the backstories are interesting, but the characters are painful, boring, obvious, and/or irritating. Which would be okay, except the characters seem to thing that they are mind-blowingly profound. Please don’t use Cathy and Heathcliff references to excuse your poorly constructed characters. Why does every female have to be ONLY motivated by shopping, vanity, jealousy, or mothering? And then there is Main Girl, who painfully and pointedly is not motivated by any of these things (yeah, I GET it), but is instead motived by TRUUUUUUUUE WUV.  Arrggg… I can only take so much.

I would call it anti-female, except it is equally anti-male. Which leads me to conclude that it is really not anti-female or -male, but is instead simply anti-development and anti-depth.

Sigh. When I finish this, I am going to treat myself to the new Atwood, full price, hardcover…

I *heart* Owls

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