Who is Lucky? Why, Those Men in Kentucky!

HEED THE CALL! YOUR SARCASM AND WIT IS NEEDED!

So, most of you all you know me for reals know that I also muck around with the old-timey-esque musics.  This past week we learned the old Everly Brothers tune (covered most recently by Neko Case) “Bowling Green.” As some of you may be aware, a little known opthamologist from Bowling Green named Rand Paul recently won a Republican Primary in the state of Kentucky, and hopes to replace that (un)beloved old codger Jim Bunning in the US Senate.

Listening to and learning the tune made our intrepid guitar player (Mr. SFL) think of the endless and hilarious possibilities that it offered for parodying, you guessed it, Rand Paul and the TEAfolk voters who elected him.

So, we are offering up a challenge: take the lyrics to the song “Bowling Green” and compose a parody featuring the Tea Party’s champion du jour. We will take the lyrics we like best (whole cloth from what you post, or we might mix/match/edit) and record them for your enjoyment … and post them for the world to hear on YouTube.

Here’s the actual tune (the uberawesome Neko Case’s version – a duet with A.C. Newman from The New Pornographers”):

And here are the ‘original’ lyrics:

Way down in Bowling Green
Prettiest girls I’ve ever seen
A man in Kentucky
Sure is lucky
To live down in Bowling Green

Bowling Green folks treat you kind
They let you think your own mind
A man in Kentucky
Sure is lucky
In Bowling Green you walk your own line

Chorus:
Kentucky sunshine makes the heart unfold
It warms the body
And I know it touches the soul
Bluegrass is fine
Kentucky owns my mind

The fields down in Bowling Green
Have the softest grass i’ve ever seen
A man in Kentucky
Sure is lucky
To lie down in Bowling Green

Bowling Green girls treat you right
They wear dresses cut country tight
A man in Kentucky
Sure is lucky
If he’s seen the Bowling Green light

Chorus:
Kentucky sunshine makes the heart unfold
It warms the body
And I know it touches the soul
Bluegrass is fine
Kentucky owns my mind
Bowling Green Bowling Green
Bowling Green Bowling Green
Bowling Green Bowling Green
Bowling Green Bowling Green

More Utterly Non-Shocking Conservative Wankery

So, an article in today’s Washington Times highlights the utter douchebaggery going on in Congress.  Shortly put,

More than a dozen Republican lawmakers, while denouncing the stimulus to the media and their constituents, privately sent letters to just one of the federal government’s many agencies seeking stimulus money for home-state pork projects.

Now, bear in mind that these are but a few letters sent to just one fed agency (USDA) and discovered via FOIA.  I can only  imagine how many other such letters were sent to DOE, DOT, DHS…

I know I am probably not the only one to be utterly unsurprised by this hypocritical bullshit. Not even to hear dear Lameass Alexander is amongst this esteemed group.  Certainly not shocked to see good ol’ Joe “YOU LIE!” Wilson is on the list. These are, after all, politicians.  If they were cheesy glittering vampires, then money is their pasty-faced virgin.

I was somewhat surprised, however, to read that these secret money grabs were totally in line with a virulent anti-stimulus stance.  And of course we can thank Joe Wilson for clarifying the issue for us:

“Congressman Wilson’s position on the stimulus bill is consistent,” said spokeswoman Pepper Pennington. She said Mr. Wilson opposed the stimulus as a “misguided spending bill,” but once it passed, he wanted to make sure South Carolina residents “receive their share of the pie.”

So Screamy Joe has just effectively pointed out for us the real-life application of the ‘Can’t Lose’ objection.  What this means is that an attorney can rant and scream and rail against something that is actually factually or procedurally or legally correct – thus the client thinks that he/she is REALLY getting their money’s worth, what with all the ranting/screaming/railing, despite the fact that the ranting attorney (and judge and bailiff and clerks and indeed all attorneys in the court) knows full fucking well that:
  1. there is only ONE possible outcome,
  2. nothing you do will change (1),
  3. but because your enemy supports (1), you must oppose it,
  4. which also means you have to convince your constituency (or client) that (1) is EVIL and you are GOOD for opposing (1), when in reality
  5. your constituents (clients) will actually benefit from (1), and
  6. they will receive these benefits no matter how big of jackass you are.

Have Your Cake and Action Figure, Too...

D. All of the Above

So, the other day my good buddy, the Cryin’ Ham himself, Mr. Glenn Beck had a little “interview” with the Palin. Now, I fully expected ANY to ALL of the following to happen:

1.  Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin giggle like schoolgirls while brushing each other’s hair and listening to Miley Cyrus sing about pretending to know who/what Jay Z is.

2.  Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin clear the desk and make out like the ship is sinking.

3.  Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin melt/explode/implode into some whirling black hole vortex of villainry, like when Bad Guy and Future Bad Guy touch in Timecop.

4.  Glenn Beck draws maniacally on the chalkboard while Sarah Palin outlines her plan to take over the White House Alaska the Republican Party Fox News his show.

I, however, certainly did NOT expect Glenn Beck to cry “BULLCRAP!!!” when Sarah Palin non/mis/faux-answered a basic civics question my 10 year old would have rocked. Hell, I am pretty our Fat Cat could have lazily pawed out a “J” or something.

And really? Two minutes of fumbling for an answer and all you can come up with is WASHINGTON? Argggg.. That is kind of like saying your favorite painter is “all of them,” then stumbling around until you can cough out something that sounds like ‘Monet.’ Which would be okay if you were my grandma and Monet was the only artist you had heard of. But when you are a Mayor Governor VP candidate 2012 Presidential Prospect Commentator on a News Network, I think we can agree that the bar is just a wee tad higher.

Which makes me wonder – this seems like such a gaffe – could it possibly be that Sarah Palin has a bit of performance anxiety? You know, where she actually *knows* the answers to the questions, but gets nervous and then thinks ‘what if I forget?’ and then she ACTUALLY forgets? Because I TOTALLY do that all the time. You know, like how you *know* someone’s name, but then you have to introduce them to someone else, and you think ‘ah wouldn’t it SUCK if I forgot his name?’ which jinxes you because then you DO forget his name and have to just pretend you are a rude jerk who doesn’t pay attention to social niceties like introducing people?

I think *someone* needs to put “Handlers” on her Amazon Wish List.

What a Non-Surprise!

In completely unsurprising news, it appears that Sarah Palin is going to be (kind of sort of) joining the team at Fox News.

I write ‘kind of sort of’ because there aren’t a whole lot of details yet, but it looks like she won’t have her own show but will instead be a Fox Guestie. Of course, she may always change her mind, but I would think that Fox is smart enough to lock her into a solid contract. She will be BIG money/ratings for Fox. And I fully expect that this news has the GOP powermachine all anxious.

While I obviously am not a Palin fan, I don’t think that anyone can deny that the idea of Palin has become almost metaphysical. And not just to her supporters. “Palin” now represents, in a strange way, the ultimate expression of democracy. The sticking point there being, of course, that we are not a democracy. But the idea that anyone (yes, even YOU) could control the shots, combined with the idea that anyone (yes, even YOU) can override the current party system and define the country, pretty much has resulted in Palin-the-Idea.

However you look at it, it is a pretty empowering concept, which is why I don’t think that there is anything Palin (the person) could do to damage Palin (the idea). And that applies to both a pro-Palin sentiment AND an anti-Palin sentiment. Because what the meta-Palin represents to me is the fact that the conservative use of a social pyramid scheme (‘we the powerful will convince the powerless masses to support us against their better interests by pretending that they could one day be us’) has gone terribly awry. And, given, history, it was only a matter of time.

The conservative power base didn’t pick Palin. Well, they didn’t pick her to be the new face of the GOP. I don’t think they EVER intended for her, alone, to be able to wield ANY power. Instead, they picked a puppet VP candidate who looked, sounded, and worshipped like a big chunk of their voters, perhaps thinking that this would keep that chunk satisfied and willing to continue to support the Republican machine. My *personal* theory is that the GOP intentionally picked an uber-conservative woman to pander to the far right conservative voters because they thought there was no chance in hell that people would actually prefer an unqualified far-right female to a moderate male.

Oops.

First, Palin was WAY more charismatic and acceptable than the GOP could have expected. I am guessing that they had no idea (see, e.g., Liddy Dole, Hillary Clinton, etc) that their voters would identify so absolutely with a female leader. So that when so many people IMMEDIATELY got on board with the idea of Palin as VP, the GOP machine must have just thought they had managed to placate their ubercon base. They had given the ubercon base a pawn in order the get the base to accept McCain as king; what the GOP didn’t realize was that the ubercons would make that pawn their queen.

Second, the ubercon base identified with Palin in a very personal and intimate way. She reflects their values. And she was very much a real outsider. I think that a lot of people looked at her and saw what they themselves might have been if they had been just a little smarter, luckier, or more ambitious. And I think that it was the ambition, surprisingly, that a lot of people respected. And so the people came to “own” Palin. So much so that when she refused to let the GOP pull her strings (even when she probably should have), the idea of Palin took hold. The idea of the rogue everyman. People had so internalized the Palin idea that any perceived insult or attack on her was personal and thus, unwarranted and unfounded. So that even when Palin did or said things that were simply objectively “bad” for politicians, there was always a justification for her existence. And usually that justification was the very fact that she did or said something completely wrong.

Third, the GOP machine made the mistake of thinking that they could shut Palin down. Thinking, perhaps, that if they didn’t give her the support and handlers that she needed, the public would see her as grossly incompetent and her star would fade. Instead, it just made McCain staffers look like tools. And make the ubercons take their queen and leave.

So, while I may not like Palin or Palin-the-Idea, I certainly appreciate that she represents the power that a particular group of voters can have in its party. While I don’t really think that she has the support to get elected in 2012, and I think that eventually the ever canny GOP will get its shit together and rein the ubercons back in, I’ve got to admit I’m a little jealous. I really wish *my* particular subset of people-who-vote-dem could get it together like that and force a uberlib on the Democrat Party.

FEINGOLD/BALDWIN 2012!!!

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