Local WIN: Letter to the Editor

One of my favorite insanity troughs, as most readers know, is the comments section for the online edition of local future-gerbil-bedding Kingsport Times-News. These halls of bad grammar, ALLCAPSRANTINGS, mind-blowing bigotry, and proud ignorance have been depressing me as well as providing me with mockery fodder for several years now. Unfortunately, one of the perfectly reasonable conclusions that one may draw after perusing said embarrassment is that we, the locals, are overwhelmingly incredibly ignorant bigots whose grammar, basic reasoning, and life skills are so poor, it is a wonder we managed to crawl over the meth labs, trampolines, outhouses, spitoons, and fatheruncles to get to the computer.

Nay, Gentle Reader. It is not so. There are many intelligent, thoughtful, and civilized people in these parts. I have even *met* some of them via the Kingsport Times-News comment section (Celeste!). But lest you disbelieve me, and think (as I sometimes fear) that these parts are chock-full of naught but Fox-watching omniphobes, I present this awesome Letter to the Editor and our Local WIN:

Why hasn’t Obama fixed leak yet?

Published June 2nd, 2010

It is appalling that Barack Obama has not geared up and gone down and capped the leaking BP oil well. Everyone knows he could have already if he weren’t intent on stalling to try to make the poor, honorable oil industry look bad, and it wouldn’t have happened in the first place if he were doing a better job personally inspecting the offshore oil drilling adherence to safety regulations as he should have been in his spare time. Instead, there have been weeks wasted with only dozens of engineers, scientists, oil industry experts, and government officials helplessly flailing around without his supervision trying to come up with ideas on how to cap the mile-deep leak, while except for two measly presidential visits, Obama has been impeding their progress by coldly staying out of their way and sadistically denying the Gulf Coast states governors access to the ultimate scapegoat symbol of the evil federal government they love to ridicule.

Or, that’s what I think I was told to think by most of the people getting on TV “news” shows because they’ve got something — anything — whatever to say. I assume it’s true, and I don’t owe any intellectual royalties on it.

Ron Dingus

Kingsport

Ron Dingus – you, sir, are truly a pie-worthy Local WIN.

Ron Dingus - This Pie Is For You

Local WIN

Well folks…

When I clicked on the link, I was sure I’d found our next Burning Shame Award recipient. However, after peeping his mugshot and reading of his completely understandable defense, I totally changed my mind and realized that this story is, 100%, hands-down balls-out Local WIN.

Just. AWESOME.

A Church Hill man has been charged with indecent exposure after allegedly running nude through a Kingsport grocery store, wearing only a rubber mask on his face.

The man was arrested at a nearby Hardee’s, where he reportedly asked employees for clothing before hiding in the bathroom. Police say the suspect admitted to the incident, citing, “he was bored and didn’t have anything to do.”

A report from Kingsport police identifies the man as Daniel R. Lee, 22, of 612 East Main Boulevard, apartment A, Church Hill. He allegedly walked into the IGA grocery store, 3006 North John B. Dennis Highway, at about 9 p.m Friday.

Police say he was, “wearing only a rubber mask.”

Store personnel told police that Lee ran around the store exposing himself to several customer and employees. One member of the staff attempted to run Lee down as he left the store, but was unable to catch him.

However, according to the police report, the employee did nab a woman that accompanied Lee. She is identified as Katelyn M. Trent, 18, of 1849 1/2 Forest View Drive, Kingsport. She allegedly claimed Lee was her boyfriend.

The report says police located Lee in the bathroom of a nearby Hardee’s. Restaurant employees told police he entered, “wearing only an orange hoodie, ” and was, “attempting to cover himself up and asking for any piece of clothing.”

One male employee gave Lee a pair of basketball shorts, according to the report. Police found Lee in the bathroom, wearing the shorts and orange hoodie.

“Daniel advised me that he did run through the IGA nude because he was bored and didn’t have anything to do,” reads the officers report.

Lee was charged with indecent exposure, arrested and transported to the Kingsport jail.

So, Daniel R. Lee, this one’s for you, dude.

Hells YES

Ham of Excellence

HOE

It is time – indeed, well past time – for us to acknowledge another example of Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.   Our latest HOE is a tireless advocate for truth, compassion, and understanding. In fact, I do not think he stops to eat or sleep in his drive to bring enlightenment and kindness to our very, ummmm enlightenmentally-challenged area. Oh yes, people – in addition to being a HOE, this person is also a local WIN and we are very, very lucky to have him around.

I present to you the latest recipient of the SLF Ham of Excellence:

The Reverend John Shuck of the First Presbyterian Church of Elizabethton.

This man has not only challenged my thinking on what organized religion can do (i.e., something other than judgment, inadvertent wrong, and outright evil), he shows just what good we can attain if we have the balls and conviction to be unconventional and honest. Did you ever think you could walk into a southern church – hell, any church – and hear a sermon on “Better Living Through Evolution?”  How many ministers do you know who are active in PFLAG? When was the last time you saw your preacher at a pro-healthcare reform rally?

Now, my opinions on what Jesus is/was about are based pretty much entirely on Jesus Christ Superstar. I like the whole ‘do unto to others’ thing. And the idea of sticking to an incredible unpopular (and fatal) viewpoint because you *know* in your heart that it is the right thing to do is really fundamentally cool. But the Jesus in my mind would probably be heartbroken if he saw and heard some of the shit that was/is done in his name. However, I usually keep these opinions to myself because (1) I am not a Christian and (2) most Christians seem to be just thrilled with the status quo.

So imagine how amazing it is to meet someone who truly embodies what Jesus is supposed to be about. It’s enough to make a southern female lawyer think about going to church. Which, as someone who has never gone to any church/temple/religiousgathering in her entire life and is fairly certain said building will erupt in flames should she enter, is a pretty big freaking deal.

So, thank you John Shuck for existing. You sir, are truly a Ham of Excellence.

Random Awesomeness

Random Awesomeness – the LOCAL edition!

Click here to read about the story of Project Hannah. Hannah is about the sweetest person you will ever meet. And the Finches are wonderful people doing kindness for no reason other than they know it was the right thing to do.

Total WIN.

Pie-Worthy