Ch Ch Ch Changes…

So, I’m starting a new blog:  Shameless Domestic Hussy. You can read all about the whys and whatnot over there, but suffice it to say, Southern Female Lawyer will live on. I just needed a bit of a break. In the meantime, please go on over and check out the domestic hussy. You will find all the food pr0n and cussing that you have come to love over here. Miss you all…sfl

Hey Waiter...

Hell. YES.

Prop 8 has been struck down. I will blog more about this later; ’til then, revel in this: ‎

“Plaintiffs do not seek recognition of a new right. To characterize plaintiffs’ objective as “the right to same-sex marriage” would suggest that plaintiffs seek something different from what opposite-sex couples across the state enjoy — namely, marriage. Rather, plaintiffs ask California to recognize their relationships for what they are: marriages.”

Love WINS.

Random Awesomeness: The Making Alan Moore Cry Edition

Random Awesomeness: Firefly Edition

Just. YES.

Random Awesomeness: Lego Knights of Cydonia

Oh MY…

Random Awesomeness: My New Marvel Bestie

Meet my new BFF:

Hulk Smash Glass Ceiling!

Who is Lucky? Why, Those Men in Kentucky!

HEED THE CALL! YOUR SARCASM AND WIT IS NEEDED!

So, most of you all you know me for reals know that I also muck around with the old-timey-esque musics.  This past week we learned the old Everly Brothers tune (covered most recently by Neko Case) “Bowling Green.” As some of you may be aware, a little known opthamologist from Bowling Green named Rand Paul recently won a Republican Primary in the state of Kentucky, and hopes to replace that (un)beloved old codger Jim Bunning in the US Senate.

Listening to and learning the tune made our intrepid guitar player (Mr. SFL) think of the endless and hilarious possibilities that it offered for parodying, you guessed it, Rand Paul and the TEAfolk voters who elected him.

So, we are offering up a challenge: take the lyrics to the song “Bowling Green” and compose a parody featuring the Tea Party’s champion du jour. We will take the lyrics we like best (whole cloth from what you post, or we might mix/match/edit) and record them for your enjoyment … and post them for the world to hear on YouTube.

Here’s the actual tune (the uberawesome Neko Case’s version – a duet with A.C. Newman from The New Pornographers”):

And here are the ‘original’ lyrics:

Way down in Bowling Green
Prettiest girls I’ve ever seen
A man in Kentucky
Sure is lucky
To live down in Bowling Green

Bowling Green folks treat you kind
They let you think your own mind
A man in Kentucky
Sure is lucky
In Bowling Green you walk your own line

Chorus:
Kentucky sunshine makes the heart unfold
It warms the body
And I know it touches the soul
Bluegrass is fine
Kentucky owns my mind

The fields down in Bowling Green
Have the softest grass i’ve ever seen
A man in Kentucky
Sure is lucky
To lie down in Bowling Green

Bowling Green girls treat you right
They wear dresses cut country tight
A man in Kentucky
Sure is lucky
If he’s seen the Bowling Green light

Chorus:
Kentucky sunshine makes the heart unfold
It warms the body
And I know it touches the soul
Bluegrass is fine
Kentucky owns my mind
Bowling Green Bowling Green
Bowling Green Bowling Green
Bowling Green Bowling Green
Bowling Green Bowling Green

Harold Hill, Esq.

Any drone that has ever toiled away in insurance defense or appellate work is only too familiar with the following scenario:

Partner hands you an utter shit salad of a case:  Claimant successfully sues/sued for injuries for which your client is clearly and unequivocally liable and has absolutely no serious defense in fact or in law. Partner now tells you to draft responsive pleadings/responsive appellate briefs – a task that is fraught with peril, given that if one sticks to the actual facts of the case and applies the actual law, your response is likely to incur the wrath of the judge and result in sanctions.

I was in this position approximately eleventy billion times over the course of my mini-career as an associate. After a while, you actually learn how to analyze a set of facts and law to find the tiniest snag so that you can pick it open and blow it up, conflate it into something favorable to you, and then use semantics, tone, and rhetoric to guide your reader/listener to a conclusion that you are unquestionably correct, even though the law, facts, reality, and common sense would dictate otherwise.

I actually developed some serious skills in crafting viable arguments in the face of such factual/legal paucity. And yes, I actually won a few times. More than a few. I can’t tell you how proud I was to be the Queen of Pulling It Out Of My Ass.

So believe me when I say, I know the difference between an argument grounded in reality and an argument grounded in ‘holy shit I can’t be wrong because I told the client I could win this and now I’m totally fucked and this whole argument is bullshit and I should just admit I was wrong but there is no way in hell I am going to do that so I suppose I will just bellow even louder in the hopes that people think that I *must* be right because if I weren’t I would have shut up long long ago.’

This, readers, would be the latter:

Sarah Palin: Extreme Enviros: Drill, Baby, Drill in ANWR – Now Do You Get It?

Sarah Palin’s Notes  Yesterday at 3:17pm

This is a message to extreme “environmentalists” who hypocritically protest domestic energy production offshore and onshore. There is nothing “clean and green” about your efforts. Look, here’s the deal: when you lock up our land, you outsource jobs and opportunity away from America and into foreign countries that are making us beholden to them. Some of these countries don’t like America. Some of these countries don’t care for planet earth like we do – as evidenced by our stricter environmental standards.

With your nonsensical efforts to lock up safer drilling areas, all you’re doing is outsourcing energy development, which makes us more controlled by foreign countries, less safe, and less prosperous on a dirtier planet. Your hypocrisy is showing. You’re not preventing environmental hazards; you’re outsourcing them and making drilling more dangerous.

Extreme deep water drilling is not the preferred choice to meet our country’s energy needs, but your protests and lawsuits and lies about onshore and shallow water drilling have locked up safer areas. It’s catching up with you. The tragic, unprecedented deep water Gulf oil spill proves it.

We need permission to drill in safer areas, including the uninhabited arctic land of ANWR. It takes just a tiny footprint – equivalent to the size of LA’s airport – to tap America’s rich and plentiful oil and gas up north. ANWR’s drilling footprint is like a postage stamp on a football field.

But it’s not just ANWR; it’s our Petroleum Reserve, too. As Governor Sean Parnell noted today in the Wall Street Journal:

“Federal agencies are also now blocking oil development in the National Petroleum Reserve—Alaska.

Although familiar with ANWR, most Americans are less likely to know about NPR-A and how vital it is to our energy security. Given recent developments, it’s time to elevate the position this area holds in our national discourse.

NPR-A, a 23 million acre stretch of Alaska’s North Slope, was set aside by President Warren Harding in 1923 for the specific purpose of supplying our country and military with oil and gas. Since 1976 it has been administered by the Department of the Interior, and since 1980 it has been theoretically open for development. The most recent estimates indicate that it holds 12 billion barrels of oil and 73 trillion cubic feet of natural gas.

In addition to containing enormous hydrocarbons, NPR-A is very close to the Trans-Alaska Pipeline, which means that there would be relatively little additional infrastructure needed to bring this new oil to our domestic market.

But even here, progress has been stalled.”

Radical environmentalists: you are damaging the planet with your efforts to lock up safer drilling areas. There’s nothing clean and green about your misguided, nonsensical radicalism, and Americans are on to you as we question your true motives.

- Sarah Palin

Ahhh, clever work, Ms. Palin (or should I say, Nameless Peon Whose Thankless Job It Is To Manage Sarah Palin’s Facebook Page). I see you have chosen my favorite weapon – the ‘I Know You Are But What Am I?’ nunchucks.  “Extreme enviros” are actually out to destroy the environment – such delicious irony! Oooo – and the exquisite (if ubiquitous) knife in the gut accusation of being unAmerican.  “Using semantics, tone, and rhetoric to guide your reader,” indeed.

So, well played Nameless Peon Whose Thankless Job It Is To Manage Sarah Palin’s Facebook Page. And don’t worry about being out of work when Ms. Palin’s crazypants float off into the rainbow sherbet sunset of lost dreams – you have a bright future ahead of you in appellate insurance defense.

Not Helping...

Local WIN: Letter to the Editor

One of my favorite insanity troughs, as most readers know, is the comments section for the online edition of local future-gerbil-bedding Kingsport Times-News. These halls of bad grammar, ALLCAPSRANTINGS, mind-blowing bigotry, and proud ignorance have been depressing me as well as providing me with mockery fodder for several years now. Unfortunately, one of the perfectly reasonable conclusions that one may draw after perusing said embarrassment is that we, the locals, are overwhelmingly incredibly ignorant bigots whose grammar, basic reasoning, and life skills are so poor, it is a wonder we managed to crawl over the meth labs, trampolines, outhouses, spitoons, and fatheruncles to get to the computer.

Nay, Gentle Reader. It is not so. There are many intelligent, thoughtful, and civilized people in these parts. I have even *met* some of them via the Kingsport Times-News comment section (Celeste!). But lest you disbelieve me, and think (as I sometimes fear) that these parts are chock-full of naught but Fox-watching omniphobes, I present this awesome Letter to the Editor and our Local WIN:

Why hasn’t Obama fixed leak yet?

Published June 2nd, 2010

It is appalling that Barack Obama has not geared up and gone down and capped the leaking BP oil well. Everyone knows he could have already if he weren’t intent on stalling to try to make the poor, honorable oil industry look bad, and it wouldn’t have happened in the first place if he were doing a better job personally inspecting the offshore oil drilling adherence to safety regulations as he should have been in his spare time. Instead, there have been weeks wasted with only dozens of engineers, scientists, oil industry experts, and government officials helplessly flailing around without his supervision trying to come up with ideas on how to cap the mile-deep leak, while except for two measly presidential visits, Obama has been impeding their progress by coldly staying out of their way and sadistically denying the Gulf Coast states governors access to the ultimate scapegoat symbol of the evil federal government they love to ridicule.

Or, that’s what I think I was told to think by most of the people getting on TV “news” shows because they’ve got something — anything — whatever to say. I assume it’s true, and I don’t owe any intellectual royalties on it.

Ron Dingus

Kingsport

Ron Dingus – you, sir, are truly a pie-worthy Local WIN.

Ron Dingus - This Pie Is For You

If/Then FAIL

I am guessing that Amazon didn’t score very high on the SATs, based on the following email it sent me early this morning:

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

As someone who has purchased or rated Lego Rock Band, you might like to know that The Bachelor: The Videogame will be released on June 8, 2010.  You can pre-order yours by following the link below.

The Bachelor: The Videogame The Bachelor Videogame
Warner Bros

Price: $29.99

Release Date: June 8, 2010

Platform: Nintendo Wii

Product Description
The quest for love doesn’t have to end after the show’s final rose. Now, you can experience the excitement of the TV show in your very own adventure and compete for the affections of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette! It’s up to you to make an impression that will leave your suitor with only one option…to offer you the final rose!

“As you have purchased Lego Rock Band, logic clearly dictates that you or perhaps the 10 year old boy for whom you bought Lego Rock Band must also be foaming at the mouth to play a video game based on a reality show where a bunch of crazy drunk whores fight over a giant douchenozzle…”

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